BOOKS: Fantastic Voyage

Marvel at the wonders of the human body!

Fantastic Voyage, Isaac Asimov

    Isaac Asimov, as I've mentioned, was (and is still looked at as) one of the big three of sci-fi writers of his day. He's written myriad classic sci-fi books. And in 1966, he wrote a novelization to the movie, Fantastic Voyage. I generally look at movie novelizations as lame cash grabs. Is that unfair, though? Besides this one, I've never read one before, so perhaps I'm wrong. At any rate, this particular novelization was written by a very good, respected author, not Johnny Poor-Pants (...or, something). I picked this book up on a whim, because, I believe, it was stupid cheap at a closing book store (less than a dollar, I wanna say). Very low price, an interesting (albeit sort of silly) concept, and a good author all combined to make me say, "eh, why the hell not. I'll give it a whirl." And a whirl it was given.

Definitely a cool cover

    Overall, I enjoyed this book. It has a similar tone to Dolphin Island, in that both are short, fun adventure novels. Although the stakes in Fantastic Voyage are quite a bit higher than in Dolphin Island, where in Voyage it's basically the difference between winning and losing, "the war". Who are the protagonists warring with? Well, Them, Over There, of course! No enemy is ever mentioned. In fact, where the protagonists are situated is never said either (just, Here). I've read that this is clearly meant to be a Cold War, US vs USSR kind-of-thing, and honestly, that was my first thought when they start mentioning vague enemies in a vague war. At any rate, the basic plot of the novel goes like this: a brilliant scientist has defected from Them to Us, and he holds information that could win the war for either side. As he's being brought to the HQ, an attempt is made on his life. He survives, barely. He has a blood clot in his brain, and it can't be operated on from the outside. Well, what's a government to do? Why, they plan a fantastic voyage, of course!
    As I'm sure everyone knows, from just hearing the title Fantastic Voyage, this is the story of men and women who are shrunk down to bacteria-size (actually, maybe a bit smaller than bacteria?) and are injected into the bloodstream of a living man!This is pure sci-fi goodness, here. Apparently, even Asimov realized the silliness of it all, but I have a feeling he had fun writing the book anyway. Curiously, he wrote a sequel (twenty-something years later, to boot) called Fantastic Voyage II: Destination Brain. I don't know if I'll ever read that book, but hell, I never thought I'd bother reading this one, so I'm sure at some point I will.
    Since I'm such a pessimist, I'm going to go over, briefly, my main problems with the book. There aren't many, and in fact, I think there is only one. Asimov clearly knows what he's talking about when it comes to the human body. He's very descriptive, and goes into some decent detail about the way the inside of veins, capillaries, lungs, and other bodily-inside-things look. That's all well and good, but for me, Mr. Average Joe Idiot, I had a very hard time visualizing these things in my head. Sure, I can picture well enough a tiny submarine floating down a vein, but corpuscles, arterio-venous fistula, pleura, reticular fibers, and all other manner of biology mumbo-jumbo? I don't want to call them all abstract concepts, because they have definite forms, and scientists can see and study them (so they aren't abstract in the way that all the crazy shit the Ocean from the Solaris novel spewed was abstract), but to my mind, that's the best word. My mental pictures of certain scenes suffered for it. Again, it's probably my problem, and other people can just picture it easily. That's why I sometimes think I'm the least qualified person to read, and subsequently talk about, sci-fi. But I genuinely enjoy it, and I really like the way it gets my mind to think about things (when I can think about things, anyway). But hey, on the bright side, maybe you'll actually learn a few things from the human body as you read this book!

THE MOST INCREDIBLE ADVENTURE NOVEL OF OUR TIME! (if you haven't heard)

    Finally, since I brought it up with Orphans of the Sky by Heinlein, I decided to be on the lookout for bullshit 60's sci-fi sexism. I'm happy to report that while, yes, there is a little bit of it, it certainly doesn't reach Orphans levels of awfulness. I'm not trying to champion any causes here, I just think it's very interesting (and abhorring) how these male authors (and, unfortunately, the male world at large) saw women back in that time. But, there is a woman on the five-person team that gets miniaturized, and it's clear she's very smart, but she gets a good amount of grief from one character (his name is Michaels, for future reference), because she is a female. The other three don't really care. And, I suppose, by the end, there might be a reason why Michaels (hey, future reference!) is a sexist pig towards her. 

    Okay, enough bad stuff. This was a pretty good book. I know sci-fi writing can be seen as cold, sterile, and its not always known for developing characters (characters are pushed aside for story. I'm usually okay with this), but Asimov here differs from those labels. Maybe the characters aren't as fleshed out as in other books, but Asimov is a great writer, and his narrative is easy and casual. Like I said, it was actually fun to read. I'm not sure this counts as, "hard sci-fi", as it were, but that's more than okay with me. 

    The story is good, and it always keeps you interested and on your toes. There's lots of action (including harrowing scenes of: gathering oxygen from the lungs, traversing through the ear, and the final escape from the body, to name three). Besides the action inside the body, there's also a mini-mystery about a potential spy or traitor on the submarine. Also, I'd like to document my enjoyment of the scenes describing white blood cells and antibodies destroying foreign objects. In one chapter (chapter 14, "Lymphatic") the crew witnesses a battle between antibodies and bacteria, and one character (Cora. Okay, sometimes the way she reacts to certain things could be construed as sexist) is horrified to see the antibodies quite literally just squeeze the bacteria to death. Also, one scene at the end shows how terrifying a white blood cell would be to something smaller than it. These parts were some of my favorites, and they gave a sense of the unknown. Asimov isn't writing about space here, but he might as well be, considering how alien everything looks and acts in the human body.

    I think that about wraps it up, ladies and germs (pun definitely intended). This was a fast read (you quick readers could probably breeze through in a couple days. Hell, probably even one!) at only 186 pages. It had good action, an interesting idea, characters that I enjoyed reading about (mostly), and it's very well written. Confusing body part descriptions aside, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the book. I will say, I was never in much doubt about how the book was to end. I've never seen the movie for which the book was based (off of the screenplay, actually), but I had a very hard time believing the crew wouldn't get the job done, one way or another. I don't really consider that a spoiler, because I never thought otherwise during my read. That's a negative too, but it isn't like a mystery novel or anything, so it isn't a huge deal. Besides, all the talk about spies had me guessing until the end (was there one? Wasn't there one? Read to find out!). I'm not sure what I'm going to read next, but it'll probably be more sci-fi. I'm probably only going to have time to read one book in the next few weeks, because I want to focus more time on working on this blog, and gaming. Thanks for reading, everyone! Now, go pick up an actual book by an actual author, won't you?

I would suggest this book to any sci-fi fan, or any fan of short adventure novels. Just keep a medical dictionary near by!

Spines by Epson

BOOKS: Mr. Mercedes

I want my mother!

Mr. Mercedes, Stephen King

 

    Stephen King is an author I hold near-and-dear to my heart. He was the first, "adult" author, I ever read. Goosebumps and Choose Your Own Adventure were fine for a while, but eventually I needed something more. Oddly enough, the first King book I ever got was On Writing, which is a half-memoir/half-writing tips. I was aware of who Stephen King was at this point (I was probably thirteen at the time), but I didn't know very much about him. After reading through, and enjoying On Writing (so many swears! My thirteen-year-old self was at first shocked, then absolutely delighted), I decided it was time for some big boys. My first real novel by King was The Shining. Suffice to say, I was blown away. That hooked me on reading (and specifically, reading his novels). After The Shining, I read It, and from there, I don't really remember the order. I've read at least thirty of his books by now, just a few months away from my 27th birthday. What in the world does this rambling have to do with this book I recently finished? Absolutely nothing, besides to illustrate how much King means to me. He (via his On Writing book) influenced me to start taking writing seriously (which I still do, BARELY), and he really gave me a huge love/appreciation for horror. I've been reading a lot of sci-fi lately, but I can always come back to King.

This book has a great, disturbing dust jacket

    This is Mr. King's most recent fare (as of 8/16/14), and I got it for free, as a matter of fact. A local record shop near me, Bullmoose Music, moved their store and had a grand re-opening. I won a free book voucher, and I grabbed this. This is classic King, yet it's also somewhat of a departure. I know he's been pigeonholed as a "horror writer", but he's written many things that don't come close to that. This book has no traces of horror, supernatural, sci-fi, anything like that. It's essentially a crime story, and even then it has some cliche parts to it. It's got a disgustingly maladjusted killer with mommy issues; an ex-cop contemplating suicide; killer sending taunting letters to people. However, I enjoy the way King writes and narrates, and I wasn't too bothered by that stuff.
    There's a potentially much larger issue with the book, one that I had read beforehand on a Goodreads review, so I tried to keep conscious of it throughout. Without spoiling much, essentially the main character (retired detective Bill Hodges) withholds large amounts of evidence from his old police buddy, and in turn goes after the killer himself (with a misfit crew towards the end). The review I read stated that this was a book-breaking piece of information. If Hodges had just given his information straight to the cops, the reviewer posits, the killer would have been apprehended before other tragic events in the book take place. Does that make sense? I was aware of this piece of information, but it didn't bother me that much. Hodges has just enough justification to keep the police out of his private, and illegal, investigation, as far as I'm concerned.
    Okay, besides the cliche cop stuff, and the "withholding vital information" bit, the final thing that slightly bugged me about this book is the antagonist, the titular, "Mr. Mercedes". His name is Brady (that's hardly a spoiler, it says that right on the inside flap), and he's as vile a villain as King has ever come up with. Besides the fact that he murders several people in the book, he comes off as very unlikeable. Obviously, right, I mean, he is the bad guy? But he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He's a psychopath, through and through. And a damn racist one, at that. Any prospective readers, let me tell you now, if you are offended by the, "n-word" (or other vulgar racist slang), I would not read this book. Maybe not liking the antagonist of a book is a silly qualm to have, but King has made better villains. Brady works as a horrible killer, and nothing more.

Back cover. Creepy as all get-out

    Overall, I enjoyed my time with this book. Perhaps I mis-spoke (mis-typed?) above when I said this was, "classic King". What I meant was, I could tell this was a Stephen King book. Despite the fact that there is almost no violence/gore -- I love the way King talks about, and describes, gore. He's very good at it -- whatsoever (except the very first chapter, the middle, and one scene towards the end), King's casual narrative and great dialogue are still here. There's no horror aspects, as stated, but it's still right in King's ballpark. I'm a bit of a King honk, so I can enjoy his works that others don't like (Tommyknockers still sucks though), so take my opinions for what they are. Most of the characters are likable and unique, the whole story moves fast, there's some action, and a bit of mystery. I don't know how much of this book I'll remember in six months or a year, but there was one chapter that I remember thinking, I cannot wait for this chapter to be over. I don't want to read this anymore. Despite how it sounds, that's actually a compliment. It was just such a disturbing account of a broken family with mental health issues, and how those issues were ultimately dealt with, that was heartbreaking and fairly sickening. This chapter will stay with me for a while, at least.
    I have read a fare amount of King's new material since 2011: besides this, I very recently read Joyland (his second Hard Case Crime novel, and the amusement park in the book was inspired by an amusement park that is five minutes down the road from my work!), which I thought was fabulous, and I read 11/22/63 a few years back, and that was a great read as well. This book is probably my least favorite of his newer books (have yet to read Wind Through the Keyhole or Doctor Sleep), but I would still recommend it to King fans, and I guess to crime fans as well. I'm not sure where else to put this, but there is a fair amount (okay, more than fair) of computer-related stuff in this book (private chat sites, voice-controls for computers, hidden files, computer whiz-kids, etc.), and maybe it's just me, but I always find it weird when Uncle Stevie talks technology. Like, it sorta comes off to me like he is too old to be talking about computers and video games and the like. I know that obviously isn't true, but for whatever reason, it's like my mom trying to tell me about technology.
     I feel this is my most disjointed, rambling book post yet. I'm sorry for that, and if it comes off as even more amateur-ish than my other posts, well, whaddya gonna do? I'm still trying to find my footing with this blog writing. I'm stupidly self-conscious about these, and I constantly think to myself, "man, no one will want to read these, or if they do, they won't take them seriously". It's pretty dumb, because I'm not trying to be a professional blogger or journalist. I'm just a guy that loves writing about stuff. I'm doing this for me. And I have my own style, for better or worse. Anyway, thanks for reading this! Should have another book post (back to sci-fi) up in the next two weeks. Hell, if everything breaks the way I want, I could potentially have EIGHT blog posts up in the next month-or-so. Enjoy!

P.S. Stephen, why does the Under the Dome TV show SUCK SO MUCH?

I would recommend this book to King fans, and maybe crime fans might enjoy this. It's not perfect, but it's still King, and still great to read his new work

Looks great on a shelf!

    

Sinh, the Slumbering Dragon

Ending the DLC with a toxic-y, fiery bang

    Imagine you've just spent what accumulates to a couple hours, and thirty tries, to defeat Elana, the Squalid Queen. Imagine how excited you'd be when you finally did beat her, and were very anxious to start exploring the next area in the brand new DLC. Imagine the feelings that quell up when you walk through the giant Dragon wall and enter the small chamber behind it, only to find a bonfire and a giant fog gate. Now, imagine that immediately after that frustrating, time (and item) consuming boss battle, you had to jump into another very tough boss battle (that you end up dying in 20+ times). Welcome to Sinh, friends!
    Maybe that opening paragraph is a bit dramatic, but this is essentially what I felt. I was a bit dismayed to immediately have to fight another very difficult boss. And the realization that this was the final boss of the DLC made it a sad event all around. Despite that negativity, this is a pretty good boss battle to end the DLC with, but holy hell, it's rough for melee builds. Thank god the bonfire is about five steps from the fog gate, at least.
    Once you beat Elana, as mentioned, the giant Dragon Mosaic opens up, and leads to a small cave area. It's got a bonfire, and the fog gate. There are two NPC summons here as well. Once you walk through the gate, you're in the boss room. If the fog gate and bonfire aren't tip-offs for another boss battle, this huge, enclosed, "boss-looking" room certainly is. The room is a giant lair, with columns lining a pathway to the back of it. There's rocks and crags jutting up from the ground, and high up on the ceiling. It's a great looking room. Here's the scene the moment you walk through the gate:

Total boss vibe

    If you walk about halfway through the room, suddenly, something in the back shifts, and, well, I'll let you see for yourself:

Aw shit

    Sinh rises up from his slumber, roars, stands on hind legs, and bellows fire with a strange green tint. He hops forward, and this nightmare battle is on. I've seen a lot of people online liken this fight to the Kalameet battle from the Artorias DLC from the first game, and I would say that's fairly accurate. Except Sinh is way goddamn harder. I took out Kalameet solo, after probably a dozen or less tries. I found that to be a very enjoyable, yet tough, battle (the reason I go by "kalameet" on Instagram. Also, it sounds cool). This battle with Sinh is ruthless. Allow me to outline his attacks now. If you are in front of his face, he'll swipe, very quickly, with his clawed hands. This is damn near impossible to dodge. At least for me it was. It's also barely telegraphed, and it hits hard. If you back up from him a bit, he will either shoot fire from side to side, or will perform a long-range head swipe. Both these attacks are simple to dodge: for the fire, just run to the side of him that he doesn't start the fire from (so, if he starts shooting fire on his left, run to his right); for the swipe attack, a simple roll backwards does the job. If you are on his side, he'll try to move back, as to get you close to his face. He will swing his tail as part of a combo of attack he does, but he doesn't seem to do this often (note that you can also cut his tail off. I really miss getting weapons from cutting off boss's tails in the original Dark Souls...). He will also stand on his hind legs and shoot fire directly beneath him, and he'll even turn his head and shoot fire behind him.

Not slumbering any longer

    But Sinh isn't content to just stay standing on the ground. Oh no, sir. He loves to fly up in the air. While airborne, he has several more attacks at his disposal. He'll shoot fireballs down, which are very easy to dodge. If you are underneath him, or close to his underside, he'll slam down on the ground with his body, injuring you. He also likes to swoop down and fly low to the ground, with his head leading the way. This attack I found extraordinarily hard to dodge, for whatever reason. He will also do this attack while shooting fire in front of him. This one was easier to dodge, for some reason. I think that might be all of the attacks. But, the fun doesn't stop there. Look at the below picture. I mentioned it above, but notice something a bit off about that fire?

This is probably my favorite picture I have taken of DSII so far

    See how that fire is kind of green at the end, there? Well, good news, because his fire is toxic! When he breathes any kind of fire, and you get hit by it, your toxic level will rise. He will also leave behind lingering clouds of toxic as well. Admittedly, this wasn't a huge factor in his difficulty, but it can be a game-changer when you get toxic'd, and have precious few seconds to use your poison moss. Compared to the other boss that has toxic status effects, that stupid Royal Rat Authority battle, the toxic here is barely a problem. Still, be prepared.
    As I mentioned, this battle is pretty tough for a melee build. I feel that if you were a strong magic user, this battle is probably not too tough, as you could just sit back and whip magic (I think lightening works best) at him. He does fly quite a bit, so that makes it even easier. But, no such luck for buff, weapon-swinging guys like myself. My basic strategy was to run up to the side/back of Sinh, and attack there. DON'T stand anywhere near his face or his front. It's tough to get totally behind him (near his hind legs), because he constantly backs up, but being on his side works well enough. He has a hell of a lot of health, so it's going to be a long battle, which, again, works against melee builds. That's longer you have to be near him, constantly in danger of getting sliced up by his powerful front claws. Sometimes you can get underneath him and hack a couple of free swings, too. When Sinh flies up, I wanted to run to him, and be underneath him or near him. Being far away from Sinh while he is in the air seems to be a bad decision. So to recap, my strategy was: run to his side/back, attack here, make sure you stay away from the front, and just run to him when he flies. Super easy, no? No.
    I had to summon two guys to beat Sinh. So, two out of the three new DLC bosses I had to summon help for. Oh well, that's how it goes, huh? I'm sure the next time I play through it, I'll be able to beat either Elana or Sinh on my own. But just know, even with two player phantoms assisting me, this was still a tough battle (same with Elana). Summoning doesn't reduce this battle to a laughable cheese-fest. I will say Sinh teleport-lags a decent amount when you are playing online with others. This is a fun battle to do co-op though, because you still need to keep your wits about you, and pay attention. He has a tremendous amount of health when you summon two other phantoms, so it's still a long battle. There was one attempt where I summoned two guys, and got Sinh down to half his health before both my summon phantoms were killed. So now it was me, fighting him solo, while he had the extra health that fighting with phantoms grants him. I damn near almost killed him too, and I'm convinced I would have killed him that attempt if I had been going solo the whole time.
    Once you beat Sinh, you receive the titular Crown of the Sunken King, and the DLC is effectively over. I haven't done it myself, but once you receive the crown, and you also have the Ashen Mist Heart, you can go back into Vendrick's memory and talk to him (you do this in the room you fight him in, after Velstadt. I think you have to have killed him though). I assume after all three DLCs you can go and talk to Vendrick and learn more about the story. This is a very cool add-on. Also, the lore surrounding Sinh, and Shulva, Sanctum City, is awesome. It's quite tragic, really. Check it out if you want online (or discover it yourself. I did a mix of both, but much more on the "read it online" side).
    So, guys and gals, that's all I have for the first chapter of DLC. It's been a fun ride, and I'm very excited for the next chapter, I believe it's "Crown of the Old Iron King", out on August 26. Look for another overview post, along with separate boss posts for all the bosses (I assume another three or four). Hopefully I'll have it finished sooner than I did with this DLC. Coming up, I'd love to be able to finish Batman: Arkham Origins and get a B-LOG SLAYING post up about that (this DLC interrupted my playthough of Batman) before the Old Iron King DLC comes out. Otherwise, I might go to a few shorter SNES games in the coming months to get through. Keep an eye out (I know you all are!)

(UPDATE 8/8/14): Whoopsy, totally forgot the death count/difficulty/rating! Here they are!

Times I died: 22
Difficulty: 9/10
Rating: 9.5/10 (very interesting lore behind Sinh)

Graverobber, Varg, and Cerah (Cave bosses)

The Three Stooges

    If you unlock the door at the start of the Dragon's Sanctum, you'll eventually gain entry to a small, optional area of the DLC called Cave of the Dead. I talked about this place in my overview post of the DLC (read it here, won't you?), but I stopped just short of the fog gate that you get to at the end of it. Would you care to step through it? You would? Oh joy, that's wonderful. In that case, prepare for one of the longest, or maybe the longest, boss battles you're likely to endure in a Souls game!

I only kept this one because it showed their names pretty clearly

    Before I go on, let me apologize for the quality of the pictures. They are awful. And it's not for lack of trying, oh no. My wife and I both took turns trying to get decent pictures of these assholes, but they move fast, they gang up on you, and it's generally difficult to just stand still enough to get clear pictures. I don't ever do this, but for these guys, here's a link to a wiki page that shows clear pictures of what they look like.

    Okay, when you enter the fog gate, three names pop up on your screen: Afflicted Graverobber, Ancient Soldier Varg, and Cerah, the Old Explorer. The first thing you'll notice right off the bat is that Varg looks exactly like Havel. He wears full Havel hear, and uses his Dragon Tooth weapon and his Greatshield. I didn't notice it when I fought them, but reading that small wiki page above, the other two are also dressed in gear from other characters from the game (that would be Graverobber wearing Alva's armor, and Cerah wearing Lucatiel's mask). I have no idea the significance of this, but I'm very curious to find out. Since they don't drop souls when you kill them, I'll have to do some sleuthing.

See? Havel's set. Complete with huge dong hammer

    This battle is essentially a battle against three NPC invader phantoms. Obviously, they aren't red phantoms, but they are similiar: they have massive amounts of health, and they run around like crazy. When you first enter the gigantic room (more on it soon), you'll see the names pop up, and you'll see two NPC's running at you. These are Varg and the Graverobber. Cerah stands back and shoots great arrows. As I said, Varg uses Havel's shield and Dragon Tooth, and he hits extraordinarily hard. He slams it down, he pirouettes with it, and in general just swings it around like a beast. I had the hardest time taking him out. He can easily deplete stamina in a swing or two, and his damn weapon packs a huge punch. He also can run pretty damn fast with all that heavy armor on.
    The Afflicted Graverobber uses dual Berserker Blades. He slashes quickly with them, but he wasn't quite the problem that fake-Havel there was. The problem with both of them is that they both chase you, and they stay by each other's side. So you can't have one without the other. Finally, Cerah shoots those huge great arrows that knock you down. If you get close enough, she (or he? Not sure of the genders of any, but Cerah sounds feminine) replaces the giant bow with an estoc. A few final notes before I divulge my amazing, unique strategy: although it never happened to me, they can backstab you. Be careful for that. In turn, though, you can backstab them. Anything that can happen in a PvP match can happen here. Apparently they use Estus Flasks also, but I didn't experience this.

This would actually be a decent picture of Cerah if I wasn't locked on to her

    Sadly, these three were the only of the three boss battles in the DLC that I actually could solo. My strategy? Use the boss room (and their stupid AI) to your advantage. When you first walk into the room, you're on an almost-bridge like area. To either side are holes, but they just lead to lower levels. These are smaller areas that have pooled with water. Those petrify statues (both the stationary ones and the walking cluster ones) show up down here, but they are hardly a problem. Both sides of the lower areas have ramps leading back up to the main area. Firstly, I took out Cerah, who seems to have the least amount of health. My strategy for this was to run up to her, slash once while running (maybe twice if you have time), and then jump down to the water below. Varg and the Graverobber followed me down into the water, while Cerah stood up at the top still. Then, I'd run up the ramp, and run up to Cerah (be careful of those damn arrows. They hurt tremendously and they knock you on your ass), and slash once or twice again, then jump back in the water. Eventually, Cerah will start moving around too, but she doesn't follow you in the way the other two do, so she's always isolated, and you can get in hits before the other two catch up. If you just keep running, you can take out Cerah easily enough. Now, onto the real annoying part: taking out Graverobber and Varg.

Probably the best one I got of Graverobber

Graverobber attacking, while Varg waits his turn

    My strategy for taking out these two was similar to the Cerah strategy, wherein I would lead them to the right side of the room, and down into a small pool area. Generally, Graverobber would jump down first, and I got hit him once or twice, before Varg showed up as backup. Then, I'd run/roll past them, up the little ramp, wait for them to follow, and repeat that basic action. It's not fun in a traditional sense, but it worked for me. In general, this is a weak boss battle to do solo, because I truly believe this is the only way to really work them down. Otherwise, you'd have to stand toe-to-toe with both Graverobber and Varg, and that just seems impossible. I recently watched an "Impressions" video from a YouTuber named VaatiVidya (an awesome channel for all manner of Souls stuff, I'd highly suggest checking him out), and he mentioned this as the worst of the three boss battles, but in fairness, apparently it's meant as more of a co-op battle. I could see this being an awesome co-op battle, and I fully intend to try it on my next playthrough of the DLC.
    Okay, so you've taken out Cerah, and after much attrition, you've killed the Graverobber in a similar way. Now, you're left with Varg. I distinctly remember killing Havel in Dark Souls by backstabbing him when I got the chance. I'm not sure why I didn't try this here. Instead, I still did the same basic thing: led him to one of the ledges, and jumped down myself. I then tried to get a hit on him as he fell behind me, before he could attack. With a combination of this, and legitimately trying to fight him, I took him out. The entire battle took a good 10-15 minutes, if not even a little bit more. I was happy to at least beat one day boss on this DLC by myself. The rewards aren't amazing, but it was still satisfying to beat them. I mean, you're not gonna buy the $10 DLC and not beat all the bosses, optional or not, right?

At least my message was rated

    As I mentioned above, we had an atrocious time taking pictures. Part of this was because I kept dying trying to get to the boss. The bonfire isn't too far, but you have to run through a gauntlet of bullshit to get to the fog gate. The dark room full of the statues and soldiers is where I died 90% of the time. It's tough to find your way in general, but it's much tougher when you're trying to run and avoid all that crap that's getting spat at you. It got frustrating. And of course, after this, you can't just run through the final few enemies in the next area, because they will gang up and kill you as you try to walk through the fog gate. So you have to kill three soldiers, cut down a few statues, kill at least one of the walking cluster of statues (because I was petrified and killed down here, before I could reach the fog gate), and really, it just gets old after a few tries. It reminds me of the problems I had getting to the Executioner's Chariot boss battle. After our third attempt at getting good pictures, I just said screw it, because I would have wasted my whole night trying to get good ones.
    This is the weakest of the three boss battles here, but strangely, it's the easiest. I'm very curious if there is any background info on these three, and why they are dressed the way they are. They are completely optional, so I don't have a problem with this battle being on the stranger (or, more gimmicky, in the way you have to kill them) side. It's the same with the Ancient Dragon from the main game: lots of people bitched at how unfair/unfun that battle was, but I didn't have a problem with it. It's optional, you fools!
    Anyway, I'll have one more boss post for the final boss of this excellent DLC. Luckily the next DLC chapter is out at the end of August, and hopefully I'll be getting it then. So, after my next post (which should be Monday, 8/4), there won't be any more Dark Souls II stuff for three-or-so weeks. Look out for a B-LOG SLAYING post for Batman: Arkham Origins, and maybe one other too, in the coming weeks. As always, thanks for reading!

Times I died: 3
Difficulty: 8/10
Rating: 6/10