Movies/shows my daughter watches, RANKED!

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!

"Oooooh my goodness, dad is writing a blog post about me!"

    I'm a father. Some of you probably did not know that. If you had told anyone (myself included) six or seven years ago that I would be a dad, and I would absolutely love it, they would have told you, "Pssh, you don't know Shane very well, poindexter." I've had family tell me they still think it's weird when they see my with my daughter, because it's just such a foreign sight for them. I used to hate kids. Actually,  I still hate kids. Just not my daughter. Most peoples' kids bug the shit out of me. But that's neither here nor there. This post is a second in my "sentimental" series (I made a blog post to my wife for our two year anniversary. Read it and get all verklempt here). You see, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. But who gives a shit? Tomorrow is also my daughter Kara's TWO YEAR BIRTHDAY. I cannot even believe two years have passed since my wife endured 51 (51!) hours of labor and gave birth to our six-week premature darling. This post (and the following one) is dedicated to my beautiful, smart, clever, annoying, frustrating, foul-mouthed (whoops), happy, jewel of a daughter. Kara, if you ever read this, know I love you more than I can amateur-ly put into words.

    Enough with that mushy stuff! My daughter watches TV and movies. I've decided to rank everything she watches regularly (and asks to watch), from worst to best, based on how much I like them. Join me, if you will?

HONORABLE MENTION: Gilmore Girls

  
    Kara asks to watch Gilmore Girls all the damn time. My wife just finished watching it through Netflix, and she would watch it while Kara was in the same room. I'm not putting this on the official list, because unlike everything else on this list, she can't sit and watch or understand any of this show, for even a few seconds. It doesn't stop her from asking for it (note, if I were to rank this, it would be in top five probably)

9. Super Why!

    Super Why! is a show about a little boy named Wyatt. He tries to solve all the complex problems of life through the reading and comprehension of fairy tales. He has some friends that assist him. Firstly, the whole show is done in a pretty crappy-looking computer animated style, so that turns me off. Also, the songs are incredibly lame, and they come off as almost sounding lazy. This is a show for small children, so I should cut it some slack, but no. Fuck that. This show is pretty awful. While I appreciate the fact that it wants to teach through reading, it doesn't get any extra points for that. Wyatt and his pals sit at number nine.

8. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood

    This might be my daughter's current favorite show. Unbeknownst to me at the time of our first watching, but this show is sort of a cartoon continuation of Mister Roger's Neighborhood. It's done in an almost South Park style animation. This show is as equally awful as Super Why!, but it's saved by one thing: the opening song. It's so damn infectious, and the guy that sings it has such a silky-smooth voice that it just cheers me up. Sure, the other songs border on DISGUSTINGLY HORRIFIC, and the show in general is mighty inane, but I guess it teaches kids stuff? Stuff like how crayons are made, and that it's okay to be nervous before a doctor's appointment. You know, important stuff. Anyway, if not for that damn opening song, I might flip-flop this and Super Why!

7. Frozen

    I know this is the hottest goddamn movie to grace the big screen in the last 95,000 years, but talk about overrated (don't mind the fact that I'm dedicating my next blog post to it). It's a decent movie to watch once a year, maybe. But I've watched it probably 75 times since August, and I think I'm qualified to say the following: uuuuuuuuuuuughghghhhahdhdlslsysya. Seriously though, this girl is OBSESSED with Frozen. She loves all the merchandise, and she can sit and watch the movie for long stretches. I can't wait for the next big movie to come out and dethrone this one. She actually gets pretty into the trailers for Big Hero 6, so maybe that'll be the winner?

6. Monsters, Inc.

    Now we get into the real nitty-gritty. Kara loves the two Monsters movies. L-O-V-E-S them. She can sit and watch them for loooooong stretches, and she plays with all the toys (and stuffed animals. And books. And other miscellany). I like this movie a lot. It's charming, decently funny for a children's movie, has good characters, and has an interesting plot (even though I could poke a million and one holes in their logic throughout the two movies). If you haven't seen this Pixar masterpiece, what the hell are you waiting for?

5. Monsters University

    The sequel to Monsters, Inc. is the first movie or TV show that my daughter was obsessed with. This was the first thing she watched for longer than 30 seconds. We would watch this every night before bed. It was our family ritual. I'm in the minority that likes this movie better than the first. The story is a little better, it has some great new characters, and the end of the movie (the last 30 minutes or so) doesn't go where you'd expect, which is nice. Very enjoyable for kids and adults alike. "I can't go back to jail!"

4. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

    I enjoy Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I enjoy it probably way more than I should. It's a dumb show, really. What toddler's show isn't? But it has all those classic Disney characters, and it's just really fun (in a brain dead sort of way). Also, it has absolutely kick ass songs. Almost all the songs are fun and they knock it out of the park. You know the band They Might Be Giants? The guys that made the theme song for the show Malcolm in the Middle? Well, they do the theme song for this (along with the "Hot Dog" song, which is featured in every episode). So, even if you don't have kids, watch MMCH. No one will judge you.

3. Toy Story 

    God, I LOVE this movie. To death. I watched this in the theaters (when I was 8. This shit came out 19 years ago) when it came out. It holds a very special place in my heart. It has awesome characters, a great story (even though some of the movie logic makes no sense), it's touching and funny. I don't need to sell you on the merits of Toy Story. I'd like to note that when Kara asks for Toy Story, it could actually be the first or the third. It's usually whatever my wife and I want to watch at the time. Unlike the Monsters movies, which Kara will specify which one she wants to watch, she always will just say, "I wanna watch Toy Story." The third one is great too, but the first is one of my favorites of all time. Good choice Kara!

2. Futurama

    Yes, my daughters asks to watch Futurama on a daily basis. Now obviously, she doesn't understand anything that's going on, and this is a show not intended for two-year-olds, but that doesn't stop her. I almost feel bad including it on here, because she doesn't sit and watch it too much, but god she asks for it ALL THE DAMN TIME. I love Futurama. It's clever, funny, incredibly smart, and has all those awesome characters. I love it almost as much as I love...

1. The Simpsons

    Yes, Kara loves The Simpsons more than she loves Futurama. And with The Simpsons, she can actually sit and watch it for a bit. In fact, we sat and watched "Tennis the Menace" (ugh, season twelve shenanigans) together tonight, and watched almost the whole thing. She also has several of my old Simpsons toys that she plays with often. She can identify Bart, Marge, Mr. Burns, Krusty the Clown, Homer (sometimes referred to as, "Bart"), and Smithers (sometimes referred to as, "Mr. Burns"). She doesn't really understand what's going on, but she can point out when Homer falls, which she enjoys. The Simpsons is my favorite show of all time (look for some blog posts on it soon), so it was very easy to call this one my favorite show that Kara watches/always asks to watch.




    That's all folks! Kara will occasionally ask to watch "Krusty the Snowman" (Instead of Frosty the Snowman.See? Simpsons influence invading every aspect of her life. Daddy's girl!), and she was really into Curious George a few days ago, but these are the main nine she always wants to watch. Look for a separate Frozen post, hopefully today (Thanksgiving fools!). If not, it will be up Friday. It's part two of my silly dedication to my amazing daughter. Daddy loves you Kara!

Shane Remembers... (11/21/2014)

Crappy handheld crappiness!

Picture courtesy of handheldmuseum

PAPERBOY 2 (TIGER HANDHELD)

    As far as I remember, this is the only Tiger handheld I had. And I loved it. I know they pumped out probably hundreds of these things, all with varying degrees of quality (and fun), but this one was simple enough to work. You rode your bike, avoided crazy hazards, and threw papers into mailboxes. I always thought that kid on the handheld looked like he was not having nearly the fun that the little electronic guy in the game was having. That's a LOT of newspapers. Anyway, I sucked at this game and couldn't beat maybe the second level. God, why was I so bad at video games?

Picture courtesy of mobygames

TONY HAWK'S PRO SKATER (GB COLOR)

    This game, and most others I had for my Gameboy Color at the time, is the reason I grew up with such disdain for handhelds in general. This game is such garbage. In my naivety I was hoping it would SORT OF MAYBE replicate the PS1 experience. It absolutely did not. All I remember was there were half-pipe levels and there were like overhead skate park levels. I guess the graphics were decent enough, but I don't think there was a whole lot you could do. Nothing about the game was fun in the least. I had the second game as well, and while I remember it being slightly better, it still sucked. Thanks Tony!

Picture courtesy of gameoldies

WWF WRESTLEMANIA 2000 (GB COLOR)

    Exhibit B in my case against handhelds. Of course, you could take any console, and only show someone a handful of shitty games, and they could say, "well, this whole console sucks". But, this was what I had for my Color at the time. I was OBSESSED with the WWF in the late 90s, so I needed wrestling games. I had some great ones for the PS1, but when it was time to bring the experience handheld, well, let's just say they don't quite stack up. I remember wanting to like this game so very badly, but it's cryptic controls, bland graphics, and just generally un-fun gameplay killed it for me. It was a fairly bare bones game, if I remember correctly. I wish I had been exposed to some of the awesome RPGs that are available for the Gameboy Color back in the day, instead of crappy games like this. Oh well, I know better now. I AM an adult, after all!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

THE ORANGE BOX (specifically, Half-Life 2) (PS3)

    Were you expecting more handheld junk? Were you not expecting something from PS3 to land on these pages? Well, I wanted to keep this all focused on retro, but I don't have it set in stone. This was the second thing I ever bought for my new PS3 back in 2008 (the year I bought my PS3. I still have that same one too!). The first game I bought for it was Metal Gear Solid 4. Honestly, I could have mixed up the order in which these two were purchased. I hope no one holds that against me. At any rate, this is a pretty interesting little set of games here. I purchased it for Half-Life 2, so that's what I'm going to reminisce about. However, I will just say that this is worth it alone just for Portal. Anyway, Half-Life 2. Everyone loves it. It's hailed as the greatest FPS ever. Braces yourselves, people. I'm about to drop something major. Men, you might wanna sit down. Pregnant women should probably leave the room, for fear of upsetting the pregnancy. Okay, here goes nothing: I don't think Half-Life 2 is that great...

    ...anyone still here? Of course not! No one was here in the first place! Anyway, I don't think this game is anything special. I always considered it a chore to play it. It wasn't something that I looked to with great anticipation to play. It was more like, "well, I only have Half-Life 2 to play on my PS3, so I guess I'll play Half-Life 2". It's certainly not bad, but I don't understand the accolades it gets. It doesn't really hold up that well, I don't think. I probably just didn't play it at the right time. It just came off as, "eh, it's fine". Give me fucking Timesplitters any day of the week. Cortez will wipe the floor with Gordon, or whatever his crowbar-wielding ass is called, any day of the week.

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

RUGRATS: SEARCH FOR REPTAR (PS1)

    I had the DAMNEDEST time trying to figure out the last game to put here. I wanted to stick with the handheld theme, but I couldn't come up with anything. I had very few handheld games growing up. So instead, here's a dumb Rugrats game! As a child growing up in the '90's, Nickoldeon was my jam. This show was one of my favorites. So naturally, you buy games of your favorite shows/movies. This one my sister and I enjoyed playing quite a bit. In fact, I look back on this game with such fondness that I would probably buy it again to replay it. You played as one of the little kids in a 3D world, and there were various missions to do, based I believe on episodes of the TV show. What I remember the most is the mini golf level. Oh, and the bad graphics. Still, it was fun exploring the Pickles' house, looking for missions. You know what? I AM gonna buy this game again (provided it isn't expensive. It's not THAT great)

    Thanks for checking out another rambling Friday post. Now, next week is Thanksgiving week. Does that mean I won't have a new "Shane Remembers..." post up? What am I, some lazy guy? Fully expect a new one up on Friday!

Also, the culprit was the dog all along

BOSSES: Super Castlevania IV

Sometimes giant skulls have giant tongues

    Hopefully you've read and enjoyed my B-LOG SLAYING post about Super Castelvania IV (what? You haven't read it! Ugh! Well, here it is!). This game has a pretty large amount of bosses, so in typical fashion, I've given them there very own blog post! They better appreciate it too. While there are a good number, each entry won't be terribly long. There isn't a whole lot of nuance to most of these battles (the Dracula post will be lengthy though). Have fun!

Rowdain:

 

Skeleton riding a skeleton horse

    The first boss is (as you might guess) the easiest. He's probably also the most boring. He's a skeleton, wielding a sword. He's riding a skeleton horse. The horse will shoot easily avoidable fireballs from his mouth. Only his head can be attacked (from that very convenient platform, I might add). Once about half of its health is gone, the horse breaks apart, and you're stuck just fighting the skeleton.

Sans horse

    Once he's off his (high) horse, all he does is jump around, trying to plunge his sword into you. He's very easy to finish off. Only a decent first boss, but like I said, the worst one. Greatness -- and dumb names -- awaits.

Medusa:

 

She could use a trip to the beach

     The next boss is Medusa. You know her. You love her. She's up to her usual tricks her: namely, she throws snakes at you. Pretty standard Medusa stuff, really. The snakes can be killed mid-air or as they crawl on the ground. Otherwise, she'll fire some projectile at you (that's what I wrote in my notes: "...she shoots some projectile"), so I don't remember exactly what the projectile looks like. But, it wasn't hard to dodge. Medusa is very easy. Easier than Rowdain even.

Orphic Vipers:

 

Look how orphic they are!

    I originally thought these were dragon heads, but I guess they are just big ol' snakes. At any rate, they come out of the left of the screen, and each head just kinda floats about randomly on its thin neck. Luckily they both share a health bar. There are several platforms to stand on, to hit the heads easier. They will either shoot three blue fireballs or shoot a short range purple fire-breath attack. Both are easy to dodge. This guy is probably the toughest boss so far, but he's still easy.

Puwexil:

 

King of the raspberries?

    This here is an ethereal skull with a very long tongue. I'm going to go ahead and call this guy the most bizarre boss in the game. Even so, he looks damn cool. And what about that amazing name? Puwexil? What in the fuck? The Castlevania wiki provides some insight: spelled backwards, the name is "lix ew up". Boy, very clever. Anyway, this guy is annoying, but not frustratingly so. He can shoot projectiles or molest you with his ungodly tongue. Also, if you hit him, stuff falls from the ceiling and hurts you. This is the worst part of the battle. Luckily, even with this, he can be easily overcome. Also of minor note: this is the mid-level boss for stage IV.  

 Koronot:

I love how big he is.

    This large stone man looks awesome. He's one of my favorite looking bosses in the game. He can throw stones at you, and he'll occasionally make stones fall from the ceiling. There are two platforms that go up and down that you can use to beat this golem's ass. As you hit him, he'll shrink in size. By the time you beat him, he's your size, if not a few pixels smaller. This guy is easy. I did make a note, however, that Stage IV was the most difficult thus far.

Dancing Spectres:

 

The couple that swords together, stays together

    Sorry about the bad picture. They are very tough to take a picture of, since they are ethereal and move around a big room, disappearing and reappearing as the background moves behind them. These are two ghostly ballroom dancer-looking people, but they have swords (looks like fencing swords). They can poke and throw the swords. And again, as mentioned, they constantly move and disappear throughout the room. I considered them the toughest boss up to this point. Also, I made a note that THIS, at the time, was the hardest level so far. Even harder than Stage IV (this is Stage VI, for your information).

Sir Grakul:

 

GOLD

    Pretty cool looking knight boss here (what is this, Dark Souls II? Sorry). He breaks out of a giant glass case (why wouldn't he?) and he's not very happy to see you. He can throw his axe, or he can slam it into the ground to create fire. There's a small platform you can stand on to get easier hits on him. Once his health gets to about 1/4 left, his axe breaks and he uses a sword. He can be a little tough, but he's still easy. Nothing to worry about. We'll get to some tough battles soon.

The Monster:

 

A little hunched maybe?

    This is the grandaddy of all "classic" monsters. Simply, THE monster. Also known as Frankenstein's monster, or, as assholes refer to him as, Frankenstein. Naming aside, he's pretty easy. He throws a little bomb that explodes when it hits the ground. It causes fire to release on the ground in both directions. This is easy to dodge by standing on the platform that I'm standing on up there. Otherwise, he'll make a copy of himself that will appear near you. This lasts for a few seconds. Unfortunately, it cannot be attacked to hurt the monster and take away his health. Even so, for this battle being such an eponymous monster, he's pretty easy. I used the cross sub-weapon. Made short work of him. He looks pretty cool though

Zapf Bat:

 

David Bowie's pet bat

    Now THIS is where shit starts to get tough. The Zapf bat (he couldn't be the Gold bat, huh?) is a huge pain in the ass. It's essentially made of gold dust. It flies around the top of the screen. When you hit him, large chunks of gold break off of his sides, and they can damage you. You can avoid this easily by just staying directly underneath him. The gold won't hit you. He will occasionally dive-bomb you as well. This I had a much tougher time dodging. At about a quarter of his health left, he does this:

Very Zapfy

    He splits into three smaller bats! Woohoo! These bats also produce gold chunks if you hit them (gold chunks that are about the same size as them. Explain THAT ONE to me please!). However, they also drop small pellets directly underneath them (are they shitting, by the way?), so you can't even stand underneath them to dodge the flying gold. They stay grouped up, but as you attack each one enough, it'll die and disappear. Taking out two is far easier than taking out three. This was definitely the hardest boss of the game up to this point.

Akmodan II:

 

In all his 16-bit glory! Akmodan II!

    Next up in the classic monster marathon is the mummy. Apparently his name is Akmodan II. Sure, whatever. I find it very strange you fight him at the end of this level, and his area is just random. Firstly, the level (which is definitely the hardest, most rage-inducing level in the game) is a hellish ascent up Dracula's clock tower. Why does Dracula have a clock tower in his castle? Why the hell not! A better question: why is this mummy the boss? Couldn't it have been some clock-monster or something? Also, the room you fight him in an outside area, with just three floating platforms. Weird.
    Anyway, the battle itself. The mummy either throws his mummy tatters (boy that must hurt) or he'll shoot these very strange, ineffective fireballs. They have the shortest range I've ever seen on a video game fireball. Do you see the gap up there? In between the tiny platform the mummy is standing on, and the longer, bent one? If you stand at the top of that long one, and the mummy stands where he is, and he uses those fireballs, they won't hit you. They immediately split off and go up or down. Not sure why. I wasn't hit once with them during the battle. With the cross sub-weapon, Akmodan here is especially easy. I died while I was fighting him (THANK THE LORD YOU START RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS ROOM AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH HIS BULLSHIT LEVEL AGAIN), so I lost my cross sub-weapon, and I didn't even have a full length whip. Even so, pretty easy. I wonder if this small run of easy bosses will continue?

Slogra:

 

Read on to find out the answer to the question I posed above!

    Absolutely fucking not! This boss starts the boss gauntlet that finishes up the game. Luckily, from here on out, even if you get game overs, you start right outside the boss room. So at least using dozens of lives to eventually kill any of these enemies isn't that big of a deal. Okay, this asshole. He's kinda of like a dinosaur-y skeleton warrior guy. Yeah. He has a spear that he can jab. He can also shoot fireballs from the spear. Finally, he can use a dashing headbutt move. Every time you hit him, he disappears and falls from the top of the screen to right over where you are standing. It's very easy to take damage during this. The strategy I used for this was to hit him, then walk away from that spot, and then immediately duck. Walking away will take you out of his falling range, and ducking will allow you to dodge his spear. You have to already be ducking by the time he falls though. Even then, sometimes I accidentally let me finger off the "down" directional and took damage. Once you get a rhythm though, it's not too bad. Until he has about a quarter of his health left, and then his spear breaks. He goes strictly with the headbutt dash (he still disappears when hit), which is quite tough to dodge. You see those tiny pillars there? Just hit him from one, then get over to the other one as quickly as possible, and hit him from it. Doing this seems to be the easiest way to kill him after his spear breaks. This guy ended up taking me more attempts to beat than Dracula. However, if I went back and did it again, I could probably beat him much easier. I'd still say Dracula is the hardest overall, but for first-timers, this guy takes the damn cake.

Gaibon:

 

Did I already use the "blue himself" joke?

    Boss number two in the gauntlet is this mean-looking gargoyle. You fight him literally 30 seconds after Slogra. However, they supply you with enough items between one boss and the next to fully heal yourself. So nice of them. He’s also much easier too. He starts out blue. He flies around the room, and he shoots fireballs. He will occasionally stomp down and shoot three fireballs straight ahead. The stomp also causes spikes to fall from the ceiling (by the by, this game loves having shit fall on your head during boss battles). Thankfully, if you are killed by any of this, and you get a game over, you start right outside the boss room. The strategy for his blue form is to just whale on him. His normal fireballs he throws are very easy to dodge, and when he slams down, just get in between the falling spikes, and destroy the fireballs as they come at you. About halfway through the battle, he’ll turn red. For whatever reason, I neglected to take a picture of his red form. Just use your imagination. When he’s red, he doesn’t do the stomp attack. He just flies around, shooting (more) fireballs. He’s very easy now, and overall much easier than that previous jackass.

Death:

 

You would think Death would be a bit bigger

    Death. You would think he would be a final boss. Obviously, this game is about a vampire killer tracking down Dracula, but the idea of Dracula controlling Death seems a little silly to me. I mean, it’s DEATH! Eh, anyway, he’s pretty tough, but I still think he’s easier than Slogra. He flies around the screen, throwing an infinite number of small spinning scythes at you. These guys are pretty hard to dodge, even though they can be destroyed. Much of the damage I took from this battle was just getting battered around by these damn scythes. Outside of them, he’ll also swoop down and swing his normal-sized scythe at you. This is very easy to dodge. Finally, he comes to the ground and will use some Death-power to suck you close to him. He’ll throw his normal scythe while he does this. This is the best chance to get several free hits in on him. All you have to dodge is his scythe (which you just have to jump over). He just stands there. It’s a little tough though, because you can’t just stand and smash him. You have to continually run from him, to create some distance and so you don’t get sucked into him. Probably 90% of the damage I did to him was during this “sucking in” phase. Death is tough, but not frustratingly so.

Dracula:

 

Here he is, shooting a fireball out of his dick. Just like that famous scene in the novel

    Okay, the big bad man himself. Mercifully, ol Drac only has one form. If any boss had more than one form, you’d think it was him (that would be in keeping with Castlevania semi-tradition). Dracula is surprisingly un-aggressive. At the start of the battle, he will only shoot a purple fireball. Pretty unassuming, huh? Well, therein lies the quandary. If you try to jump over it, it splits into three smaller fireballs, and they shoot straight up at you, slamming into you midair. If you hit the fireball head on, it splits into three or four smaller ones again, that travel on top of each other straight at you. I, for the life of me, couldn’t figure out how to dodge this fireball without taking damage. It seemed impossible. Since I’m a little cheater baby, I jumped on YouTube to figure this out. Firstly, there is a hidden staircase before Dracula’s room, right where you start. My friend had just told me about this secret staircase that same day, but the video showed exactly where it was. If you jump right into what seems like a bottomless hole, you’ll land on invisible stairs. Follow them down, and you will be rewarded with full health, full whip upgrade, 99 hearts, the cross sub-weapon, and the triple shot. Now, if you go the more legitimate route, you can still get the cross, the full whip upgrade, and 8 ammo (I believe). At any rate, the secret stash makes the battle much easier. Although, I still think it’s probably the toughest battle in the game (Slogra notwithstanding, for the reasons I explained in his part above). Okay, secondly, if you use your whip and just hold down the button after Simon uses it, he’ll just hold it in front of him. You can thrash it about with the directional buttons. But during the Dracula battle, the way to dodge/block those fireballs is this: as Drac shoots one, hit it with the whip. Then keep the button held down, and all the smaller fireballs will collide with the whip, and they’ll be destroyed, and you’ll take no damage. That’s the trick! Finally, Dracula can only be hit in his head, and he’ll disappear after every hit (or if you don’t hit him fast enough), and reappear somewhere else in the room.    
    Okay folks, let’s get down to brass taxes. Here’s how this battle went for me: He starts shooting that one purple fireball. Hit his head enough while blocking those fireballs, and he switches his attacks a bit. He’ll throw a small purple ball at you. It flies randomly around the screen. If you can hit it (it’ll damage you if it hits you), it’ll shoot out some smaller balls. But then it leaves a small pork chop! Health during a boss battle? Yes please! This alleviates some stress from the battle. After you get rid of that purple ball comes the hardest part of the battle. Dracula will summon two (or only one if he’s at the far end of either side of the screen) small pillars of flame, and they will spawn two flame faces above them. They will follow you slowly. They only take one hit to dispatch, but they fall and cause a small explosion. This, of course, damages you. You can't hit them from below because of this.These guys really are a pain to deal with, because it can be tough to find the right angle to attack them. But Drac doesn't have any other attacks during this time (occasionally he will send out another of those purple balls actually), so it's all about killing those flame-faces then getting hits in on Dracula. The triple-shot cross helps greatly with this. As with many of the other bosses, once his health gets to about 1/4, the battle changes again. The screen flashes red (then continues to pulsate red throughout the remainder), and Dracula calls down lightning from the sky at evenly placed intervals. Luckily, this is probably the easiest part of the battle. Just stand in between the lightning and attack Dracula in the head as you did before. Eventually, you will drain his health, and a window in the background will shatter, casting light all over Dracula's sensitive skin. He'll explode into many bats, and that's that. Sit back and watch his castle crumble to the ground:

Simon looks a bit feminine here

    That's all folks! I find the bosses in this game to be fabulous. I tend to really love 16-bit bosses. They have the potential to look better than current-gen (which I think is true for most SNES games in a strange sort of way). The bosses in this game exemplify what I love about 16-bit bosses: great variety, very colorful, and most importantly, fun. Even though most of them are just endurance matches with no real strategy, I can overlook this because I enjoyed them all so much.

    Thanks for checking out my rundown of the bosses for Super Castlevania IV and as always, stay tuned for more content. I have several non-video game blogs lined up to be published (hopefully) in the next few weeks, through Thanksgiving. If I had more time, I'd probably pump more out, but as it stands, I just can't commit more than about an hour a day to working on all the writing. I play/read/watch the things I wanna write about also, and take the most studious (yet un-tedious) notes I can, but perfection like this takes time. Just be on the lookout folks!

B-LOG SLAYING: Super Castlevania IV (SNES)

Why did I wait so long to play this?

    You all don't need me to tell you how great Super Castlevania IV is, do you? I mean, this game is just a few weeks over 23 years old. It's considered a classic of the SNES, and maybe the best of the entire, girthful (ugh, sorry) Castlevania series. Surely, all of you out there don't need a clown like me to expunge on the fabulousness of this game? Well, you've found yourself here, one way or another, so just humor me, please? I received this game as a gift for Christmas, shit, probably ten years ago. So, unlike the other games I've played and beaten so far as part of my backlog eradicating efforts, this one is a true backlog game. Just sitting, since I was in high school, waiting to be played. Besides playing the first three-or-four levels of the original Castlevania on an emulator (I know, I know, emulators are bad. Fucking blah blah blah), and playing the very tiniest amount of Simon's Quest, I have absolutely no knowledge of this series. In fact, the only other Castlevania game I have is Lament of Innocence for the PS2. Anyway, before I started playing IV on Halloween (how fitting), I had played it briefly two or three years ago. I beat the first two levels I think, but for some reason I remember not thinking it was amazing. Well, after playing through it fully and beating it, I can say that, yes, it is amazing. I actually had a hard time coming up with any cons for my list. But, no game is perfect, so let's jump right the fuck in.

CONS:

• Some of the platforming can be finicky and unnecessarily tough due to the slightly stiff jumping. It's not a huge deal, and certainly doesn't detract from the game in any meaningful way
• That damn knock-back can be very aggravating
• Touching the SIDES of spikes kills you (I added this after I came up with the initial list of cons)

 

PROS:

• Great graphics/backgrounds. Lots of detail
• The boss battles are almost all awesome. Each boss is unique and varied
• The game is challenging, but it's fair (minus the platforming grievance from above). It's also quite fair about giving your continues. 
• Overall, gameplay is smooth and just fun as hell.

    I'll get this out of the way quickly, because there's much more good to talk about than bad. There's a decent amount of dangerous platforming in this game. That's all fine and dandy, but the stiff (not entirely) jumping controls add to the difficulty somewhat. Stage VII, which is the library level, has a section where you have to jump between fast, floating books. Below you is the instant death of horrible nothingness.The books float around in a pattern, which can be predicted by watching them go around a few times. This whole section is nerve-wracking enough (especially with enemies waiting to knock you off your small platform), but add in the un-fluid jumping, and it compounds this into a panic-inducing ordeal. Okay, perhaps that's hyperbole a little bit. But Simon doesn't jump like he's an ass-kicking vampire hunter. No, he jumps like a Yale-y would (?????). That is, very stiff and nonathletic-like. There's another jumping section during Stage VI that, while I might have only died once during it, still felt unnecessarily annoying.

Giant chandeliers for no reason

    You're in this large, black room. It flashes red (not sure why, but it's awesome), and you have to jump from one platform on a giant chandelier to another. There are a total of four or five of these giant chandeliers. Again, it's not super difficult, but your jumps have to be fairly precise. No barely grabbing onto an edge of a platform. You better be pretty well in the center.
    Another minor annoyance are the stairs. If you are at the top of a set of stairs, let's say, and you have to jump to a platform above, you better make sure you are COMPLETELY clear of the stairs. Otherwise, you'll just be stuck on them. This is barely even a problem, but it's one I faced several times.
    Probably my biggest problem with the platforming sections came towards the end of the game. Stage A (for whatever reason, after Stage IX, instead of Stage X, it's Stage A. Go figure) has you in a large clock tower sort of deal. You have to jump on lots of spinning and moving gears, and you have to hook your whip onto various moving things. This stuff all got very, very aggravating, and this was by far the hardest area of the game for me. As well it should be, I suppose, since it's the penultimate level of the game. Even so, with controls that were just a tiny bit tighter, these areas would have been more manageable. Now, like I said, I'm barely familiar with the earlier NES iterations, but I know those had woefully bad controls. I know the ones in IV are lightyears better, so I'm really nitpicking here. But hell, like I (and I'm sure many others) have said, it's hard to find some damn cons or flaws in this game.
    My other con, though, is a little more legitimate. Whenever Simon takes any kind of damage, he gets flung back. I'm sure fighting all the undead creatures of the night is rough business, and I'm sure getting hit by a skeleton's sword, fireballs, or other such business would hurt, and perhaps even send you stumbling back, but come on now Simon. Small things even, like bats, gold dust, a mummy's tatters, bones, and other miscellany that should not have the power to knock a full grown man back several feet, do knock a full grown man back several feet. What's the big deal, you might be asking yourself. Let me lay out a quick scenario: you're hopping across books. One fall means death. Let's say you get to the end of the section, with full health, and take a hit from a skeleton. Normally, it'll take off two-or-three ticks of health. Sucks, but no biggie. But, since you're standing on the edge of a platform, you fly back like you were just hit by Dracula himself, and you're dead. Pretty damn cheap. All in all, over 7+ hours, it probably happened between 6-8 times. Not a huge number, but very annoying, and something that should have been easily fixable from the original trilogy.
    One more thing: spikes. Fucking spikes. They really become a pain in the ass in Stage VIII. Platforms swing back and forth, or ride up and down, during various parts of the level. And they have spikes underneath them. Obviously, touching the spikes hurts. In fact, it kills you. Automatically. The worst is the fact that touching the sides of the spikes kills you. WHY WOULD THAT KILL YOU? They are perfectly smooth. Many, many deaths came at the hands of THE SIDES OF SPIKES. I'm tempted to add that to my cons list, quite frankly. I think it's lazy and nonsensical.
    You know what, I DID add it to my list of cons. Take THAT, Super Castlevania IV!


    Okay, enough complaining. That turned out to be longer than I was anticipating anyway (what else is new?). On to the goodies!


   

My phone camera really washed out the colors for a lot of these pics

    The graphics in this game are great for the SNES. The pics I took do them no justice. That's what I get for using my phone as my only means of screenshot capturing. The above picture is I believe the beginning of Stage IV. At any rate, the backgrounds are really well done. They often have little animations that don't add anything directly to the game, but they are great flourishes. Things like books rattling on bookshelves in the library; green slime dripping in the sewer-like level; bats flying in the backgrounds; things glistening in the treasury level; and other various things that add to the creepy atmosphere. I didn’t take good enough notes on this, so I’m being general here, but the cool stuff in the background makes this game infinitely better. There are other cool things too, like the level where the background rotates while you stand in the middle, sort of like you're in a giant tube. There's the other level where the whole screen rotates as you hang precariously over spikes. The aforementioned chandelier segment I also thought was interesting.

Picture doesn't fully show it, but this area is really cool

    Besides the backgrounds, the enemy sprites are also great. There are an enormous amounts of different enemies, and there aren’t too many that are used in more than one level. There’s skeletons (and a few different varieties at that), zombies, floating eyeballs, haunted tables (yup!), ethereal dancers, evil hounds, skeletal dragon head-things, etc. All these enemies are bright and vibrant. I love the overall look of the entire game (again, it’s a game full of monsters. What the hell is there not to like?). Oddly enough, Simon is probably the worst-looking sprite in the game.

    I’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to the bosses in this game, so I won’t spend much time on them here. I will say, all the bosses look fantastic, and they are very unique. They didn’t just slap new color palettes on regular enemies and call it a day. Each level (except one, for some reason) has a boss at the end. One level (four, maybe?) has two bosses, and the final level ends with a gauntlet of four (!!!) boss battles in a row. You’ll fight classic monsters, from Greek mythology to the old horror movies; you’ll see the likes of Medusa, a mummy, Frankenstein’s monster, Death himself, and Dracula. Plus, there’s a score of others. As I said, they all look especially good. Some are huge, some are transparent, some are bizarre, but all just make me so very happy. If anyone out there enjoys 16-bit boss battles and hasn’t played Super Castlevania IV, I’d almost recommend it just for the bosses. I will say, though, they generally aren’t too difficult (until you get to the last damn few levels). They are all basically just endurance matches. Just outlast (and out-hit) the bosses. There’s not a lot of strategy for most. Still, I love them. 

    The game starts off easily enough. As you progress, it gets more difficult. I think the learning curve is pretty gracious. You aren't immediately thrown into a hellish nightmare of a level at the onset. But by the end of the game, around Stage VIII or so, it gets quite difficult. Almost all the difficulty is fair, however. Besides my griping about some of the platforming, and that bullshit knock back effect, everything else in this game is the perfect amount of challenging and doable. Besides the enemies, you'll have to go through sections of collapsing staircases (and other collapsing structures throughout), sections where spikes must be dodged, sections stuffed with enemies, sections where you have to jump from flying platform to flying platform (as you hurl towards spikes too), and in general lots of sections of perilous danger. You start the game with five lives, and you can accumulate more (I assume through the collection of points). Five is a pretty good amount, too. Let's say you exhaust all five lives on Stage III (what, do you suck or sumthen'? Kidding, of course! I suck). If you decide to continue, you'll start at the beginning of Stage III. It sucks if you use your last life on the boss, but at least you don't have to play through the game in one sitting. And if you get five more game overs on that same level, you'll still start at the beginning of that level. So anything can be overcome through perseverance and an eventual knowledge of how the level will play it. Compared to other games of its time, it's fairly forgiving. And, towards the end of the game, getting game overs will start you right outside the boss rooms. This is incredibly helpful. Finally, after every boss you can get a password to start you at the beginning of the next level. The password system is very easy, and it's not a long complicated thing, like in the game Phantom 2040 for instance. 

Blurry pic of the password screen

    Finally, overall, this game is just fun as all get out. The whip action feels very responsive, and you can whip in any direction your heart desires. There's no enemy that's too small, or too high in the air, to escape your mighty whip of doom. You start with a small brown leather (I guess?) whip, but you can upgrade it to a longer, chain-like whip. I'm honestly not sure what the upgrades do besides adding much needed length to your reach. I had thought that it gave your attacks more power, but I'm not sure it's true. Still, the extra length is very helpful. You can find these upgrades, hearts, money bags, health items, and sub-weapons by hitting candles on the wall. It's automatic after a few minutes: you see a candle, you hit that thing. Hearts, contrary to probably every video game in the history of video games, don't give you health. They give you ammunition for your sub-weapon. These sub-weapons are very beneficial. You can get a knife, an axe, a cross, holy water, or a stopwatch. The knife is just a normal projectile that goes straight. It's counterpart is the axe, which is also thrown, but it flies in an arc. The cross is the best sub-weapon, because you can throw it straight out, and it'll go to the edge of the screen, and return to you. So you can get two hits in on anything. The holy water weapon is thrown, and burns anything it touches. It isn't great. These all take just one heart per use. The stopwatch will freeze everything on screen for a time. It's can be a great help, but there's two problems: it costs FIVE hearts per use, and I only found one throughout the whole game. Granted, I didn't search every nook and cranny, so I'm sure I missed a few, but still, through the normal course of play, I found one. Not worth it. You can also find double- and triple-shots, which allow you to throw two- or three of your items at a time. This is a good thing. 

    You heal yourself by finding small pieces of pork chops from the candles. This restores a small amount of health. You can also break pieces of certain walls and find full pork chops. Unless you are down to one or two hits left, this will fully refill your health. Why pork chops? I have no idea. What the hell not, really? Why couldn't pork chops be the ammunition, and the hearts give you health? The money bags I mentioned give you points. You can find an item that kills any enemy currently on screen. Again, helpful, but they are few and far between. I think that about covers the candles anyway.

    The goal of the game is to get to the end of every level, beat the boss, and advance. The ultimate goal is to find Dracula and kill him. The gameplay makes this journey very fun. Most enemies can be killed with one or two whip hits. The most you'll have to hit an enemy is four times (I believe). This keeps everything moving pretty quickly, where you don't have to whale on an enemy ten times to kill it. There's a nice mix of platforming and action here, so the game always feels fresh and new. Nothing is really recycled either. Part of the fun of the game is seeing what is around every corner. What new enemies will you face? What new level designs will you have to get through? How awesome is the boss for the level going to look? All things I thought during my playthrough of the game.

    This is a game I wish I had played as a kid. But I didn't, and as such there is no extra nostalgic factor I can attach to it. But maybe that's a good thing. Experiencing this game for the first time as an adult has made me appreciate it more than my dumb kid/teen self would have. So, girls and guys, if you have this game sitting on your shelf, unplayed, change that immediately! If you don't own it? Well, you could buy the cart, but it'll set you back $35. I would say it's worth every penny. I probably won't play this game again for a while, but you better believe I will play it again down the road. It's too much fun not too. I hope someone out there has been persuaded to play this game. Or someone out there was at least even mildly entertained by my musings. I have a good deal of fun writing these, and I hope all who read them enjoy them half as much as I enjoy writing them. If nothing else, maybe you could get a new perspective (from someone who is hardly an expert on video games, let alone retro ones) on some game that you hadn't considered. Or maybe you could just read this and say, "Stop using so many parenthesis you fucking clown. I'm not reading your amateurish writing again." That's fine too

Another game down!

Shane Remembers... (11/14/2014)

Let's create some shit!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

WRECKING CREW (NES)

    I never got around to playing this interesting game until I was in high school. My best friend at the time David somehow got himself a NES (maybe it was his uncle's?), and this was one of the games. It's really the only one I remember playing on his NES actually. What I really enjoyed about it was the level editor (even though I was (and mostly likely still am) awful at using it). In general, I will gravitate towards games that have a level of customization, or especially level creation. Besides that, I remember this being a very fun little puzzle game. Hoorah for blue-mustachioed Mario!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

RPG MAKER (PS1)

    God, how I loved this game. I bought it back in the day, and like a complete blockhead asshole, I sold it. I don't even know why I loved it, considering it was complex as hell, and I barely did anything in it. I loved the idea of it: you could FULLY CREATE YOUR OWN RPG! Look how badass the cover makes this out to be! Amazeballs, right??? Well, it isn't quite that awesome, but for the PS1, it's astounding what they shoved into this game. Ignoring the fact that all the monster sprites are static, and are basically high-level NES/low-level SNES graphics, it was just mind-blowing that you could NAME the monsters, and assign them HIT POINTS! You could give them CUSTOM MAGIC SPELLS! Holy shit! Anyway, this game was nigh-incomprehensible to my child-like mind (well, teenage mind), and the instruction booklet was as thick as an 1950's era sci-fi novel. Still, I loved it, and I wish I had it. Even though to make a game that lasted ten hours, it would take probably 150. Still, CUSTOM MAGIC SPELLS!

Picture courtesy of giantbomb

TIMESPLITTERS (PS2)

    I'm going to say this here, to clear the air, for all the world** to know: the Timesplitters series is my favorite video game series of all time. Yup, I like it more than Zelda; more than Mario; more than Grand Theft Auto; and yes, even more than my dearly beloved Souls games. It's funny, because I rented to this game so long ago never having heard of it. Why did I rent it? Because the back of the box boasted about a LEVEL EDITOR! Bam! I was fucking sold (well, rented). Anyway, I got home and barely touched the level editor. I was too absorbed with the fun, but hard as hell story mode, and the amazingly addictive challenge mode. Let's not forget the FANTASTIC multiplayer. However, I didn't really dive into the multiplayer (no online bullshit here. All couch/split screen goodness) until the second game (which I'll probably use in another "Shane Remembers...", along with the third game). If you've never played these games, start here. Fuck a new Call of Duty game. Play this instead.

Picture courtesy of emuparadise

SIM THEME PARK (PS1)

    When I started out writing this blog post, I had no theme in mind. After I finished the Wrecking Crew anecdote above, I decided I'd go with a "creation" theme. And what better creation series is there than The Sims? And while this isn't a normal Sims game, I love it dearly. This one I played a lot when I was younger. Setting up the park, researching new rides, trying to build a sweet roller coaster, fixing up broken rides, all that fun stuff that comes with owning a theme park are included here. I was never great at the game, but always good enough to unlock the next themed area. I like the Halloween area a lot (the second area, I believe?). Obviously this game is dated as hell now (that first person, walk-through-the-crowd mode thing? Yuck), but I still find immeasurable pleasure playing it!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

 TONY HAWK'S UNDERGROUND (PS2)

    My god, did I love this game growing up. I liked all the Tony Hawk games, but this one was the best for me. Especially that first foundry level. Ah, the memories. I currently don't own this game, but that might have to change very soon. At any rate, in keeping with the theme of "customization" for this week, this game had a great "create-a-park" feature. You could also create your own character for the story mode. I honestly can't remember much about the skate park creation tool, but I know it gives you a huge amount of variety and freedom. I always liked making small empty pools. Like, make them as tiny as possible, so you could barely even skate around in them. I was hardly an architect, so the designs of them were pretty ghastly. But hell, it was great fun. I wish I could spend the rest of my lunch (51 minutes and counting...) playing Tony Hawk's Underground. 

Thanks for tuning in to another special episode of this dumb blog post. Check back next Friday, where I may or may not reveal who the real culprit is. 

**the three of you who will read this

On Not Writing About Dark Souls II Anymore (more notes)

BURNT RIGHT THE HELL OUT

    Like all my note posts, I'll keep this short and sweet. I'm putting my post on the "Crown of the Ivory King" DLC for Dark Souls II on indefinite hiatus. It doesn't mean I won't eventually write about it, however. But, it's been so long since I played and beat it, and I just can't commit anymore time to DSII right now. I've probably never wanted to write anything less than I want to do that write up. If you're disappointed (you're not. I know no one is. It's okay, my feelings aren't hurt), I'm deeply sorry. Also, I won't be writing a post about the optional boss(es) in that DLC, Lud and Zallen, the King's Pets. It's just another fight with a tiger, like Aava, but you have to fight two of them. And they are black instead of white. I honestly never even got to them. To me, it was NOT WORTH going through the Frigid Outskirts to fight a lazy, re-used boss. Anyway, with rumors of perhaps more DLC coming, I'm not sure when I'll play it (if it does indeed come out). When I do, I will try my very absolute personal best to get a write up of it up in a timely manner. Thanks for sticking with me, broskis and brodettes.

Shane Remembers... (11/7/2014)

Dinosaurs and stuff!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

GOOF TROOP (SNES)

    I was recently (well, two weeks ago now) talking about this game with my friend Max. I had totally forgotten about it until he mentioned it to me in passing. This was one that I remember renting at least a few times, despite the fact that I never was a big fan of either Disney, Goofy, or any of his dumb relatives. Even now, I barely remember anything from it. I know you start on a beach, or near a beach. I distinctly remember digging holes (what was I digging for? I'll be damned if I know now, or even if I knew then). I also remember a hook-shot kind of thing that you could use. Almost like a cutesy, Disney Zelda game, or something. Other than hook-shots and hole digging, I got nothing else to reminisce on about this game.

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

MARIO PAINT (SNES)

    My friend David and I always used to play this game whenever he slept over my house. We never really played it seriously (how the hell does anyone play this game seriously?), we usually just fucked around. One fun thing for us to do was to take turns making the silliest/dumbest/most messed up things our teenage minds could conjure up. Mostly, it was painting that mermaid picture so it looked like the mermaid was topless (and we added nipples for a nice touch). Also, I remember playing that annoying bug swatting game. Fun, but I could never beat it. Also, did one of those bugs say, "back-biter" when you smooshed him? Finally, I LOVE all the music in this game!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

 

ESPN NFL 2K5 (PS2)

    Never mind the Xbox logo with the stock image of the game cover I grabbed from wikipedia. This game was a favorite of mine on my beloved PS2. At the time this came out, video games were $50 a pop (ah, the good ol days!). This game came out, brand new, at $20. This is still one of the most ingenious, and frankly, shocking, marketing ideas I've personally ever seen in video gaming. And this wasn't some shovelware garbage. It had both ESPN and NFL on the cover (both pretty unreliable and just untrustworthy nowadays). This game should have been the Madden killer. In the end, it wasn't, but it's still remembered as maybe the best football game ever. I recently purchased this one again (for $2 I think), and I fully intend on playing at some point. Besides the on-the-field action (which, I contest, was better than Madden's at the time. Also, you could play in first person! Overall, pretty gimmicky, but still very interesting), you could deck out a crib with stuff you unlocked. They also had a huge amount of trophies (before Sony decided to use trophies) you could get. God, this game fucking rocked. The only drawback? Terrell Owens on the cover. Ugh

Picture courtesy of vintagecomputing

 

SCORCHED EARTH (PC? I GUESS)

    Another game my friend David and I used to play the hell out of whenever I slept over his house. I don't know the exact platform to call this, because it was so long ago, during a time when I barely knew what a "platform" was. I've read online the platform is Dos, but I'm gonna make it easier and call it PC. Hell, I played it on a PC, so that's good enough. As for the game, I mean, it's classic. Your a little tank. Try to kill the other little tanks with a variety of weapons. He and I would take turns playing (up in his parents' room, where the computer was at the time). I've since played this game a few times for nostalgia's sake. Still pretty fun. I think it's free to play online (maybe even on phones now?), so check it out!

Picture courtesy of archimage

3-D DINOSAUR ADVENTURE (PC)

    My god, this game! This was basically my FAVORITE game to play as a young lad. It was an educational game, but man, it had dinosaurs! And many different activities to do. You could wear those paper cheapo 3-D glasses (with the blue lens and red lens) and see some dinosaurs jumping out atch'a! I remember you could go through the various eras of dinosaurs (Jurassic era, um, I don't remember the others...), and see/learn about them. There were games as well, I believe. There was actually some cheesy first person segment that I remember I could never fully beat. I've wanted to play this again for a long, long time. I would absolutely sit down and play this game again, right now, no questions asked. Anyway, if you have Windows 95, try to find this beauty (if you love dinosaurs. And you'd better!). I'm sure it can be played on any computer nowadays, but I'm going to have to research more. 

    I hope you've all enjoyed this third trip down memory lane. A pretty good amount of variety (TWO PC games???), and I think each one is maybe a little more interesting to read about than some of my previous efforts. See you next Friday!