Shane Remembers... (12/19/2014)

Ending the year not with a bang, but a whimper (of old games)

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

   

ANIMAL CROSSING: WILD WORLD (DS)

    This is still the only Animal Crossing game I've ever played. I must say, even though these are like the dumbest games in existence, they are damn fun anyway. This one specifically I played with my sister, back in that brief time when we both had DS's. We would constantly go into each other's towns and do all sorts of magical stuff (and whimsical stuff. Lots of whimsy in this game). I really enjoyed the bug collecting side game. It was addictive. Truly, the whole experience is addictive. You can't really beat it (as far as I know), but you can collect bugs, collect fish, find fossils, decorate your house, mail letters, plant trees/flowers, gather fruit... Yikes, what a fucking stupid game. Anyway, I like it because I have great memories of playing it with my sister. And liking Animal Crossing doesn't make me any less of a man. In fact, it makes me more manly. Yeah. 

Picture courtesy of gamefaqs

 

The SIMPSONS: BART'S NIGHTMARE (SNES)

    I've been on the biggest Simpsons kick lately. I've been (slowly) reviewing season 26, and I recently just put up a pretty good (in my humble opinion, at any rate) post about "vs." episodes. This is a game that I've had since I was a kid. Again, another one my sister and I played a decent amount of. Too bad I could never beat this game. Not even close. I still own it, and I plan on beating it one of these days. I can usually beat the Bartman dream and the Isotope dream (where Bart is swimming in something, destroying little germs, or whatever the hell they are). But, the Indiana Jones one? The Bartzilla one? The Itchy and Scratchy one? Hell no. Can't beat them. Couldn't beat them. I always think about this game, not with fondness, but with disdain. This game can actually go fuck itself pretty hard. 

Picture courtesy of skipfilm

 

TIMESPLITTERS 2 (PS2)

    The theme so far seems to be games I used to play with my sister. Although I will say I also used to play this with friends (and indeed, we still play Future Perfect from time to time). What can I say about this game? This is one instance where a sequel takes everything good about the original and makes it 100 time better. And it takes everything that didn't work, and it throws it out the window. It has an actual story mode, it has better (and more varied) arcade options, it has more characters, more guns, more everything! All you anecdote hounds, hunker down 'cause here's a good one: a favorite arcade scenario my friend David and I (and my sister as well, actually) used to play was the following: an elimination-style match, with 100 lives, in the hospital level. The catch: one shot kills. The hospital is a great level for this, because it's fairly small, cramped, and has some nice corridors. You're constantly paranoid about where you're stepping. Of course, with this being Timesplitters, you can't very well go slowly. Proximity mines, timed mines, remote mines. Boy, the times we had with this set-up where amazing. If anyone wants a fun, furious, anxiety-inducing time, try this! 

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

 

TALES OF DESTINY (PS1)

    I haven't really touched upon RPGs in my "Shane Remembers..." series, mainly because I haven't played as many as I would have liked. A lot of it would be Playstation-era Final Fantasy. People have read about those to death. At any rate, this is yet another game my dad bought on a whim. He ended up disliking it, and I played it and enjoyed it greatly. I was probably still in high school when I played this (and I own it to! Probably my most expensive game I own, even without the manual. Which MUST be at my parents' house somewhere), so I don't remember much. I do remember that you had a talking sword, and the battles took place in real time. I enjoyed this at the time. Recently, I've tried playing Star Ocean: First Departure on the PSP, and I am having trouble really getting into it. Regardless, this game was great. Don't remember a lick of the story. Another thing I DO remember was that you could find a special ring that allowed a second player to play with you. This limited the second person to combat only, but this was mind blowing for me. An RPG...that TWO PLAYERS COULD PLAY? With that said, I only really tried it like once. It didn't end up being as amazing as I was hoping. One day I'd like to play through this game again, and see how I still like it.

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

BREATH OF FIRE III (PS1)

    Hey, here's another RPG! Another one that isn't always talked about, but I think it's great. This was the first Breath of Fire game I beat. It had some good characters, great graphics, it was pretty long, and it had a great dragon-fusing mechanic. You could find different dragon genes throughout the world, and these can be combined in like hundreds of different ways to make different and interesting dragons. What I remember most is that there is a LOT OF FIGHTING IN THIS GAME. It's like every three steps and you're in another random encounter. It gets very old, especially by the end of the game. Take out the ABSURD amount of random battles, and this game is a classic. Still, it's great and I suggest it. 

    This is going to be the last "Shane Remembers..." in 2014. Starting in 2015, I might tweak this Friday post formula. Stay tuned readers!

"Vs." Episodes of The Simpsons, RANKED

This'll re-put Brockway back back on the map!

    As I was doing research for a different Simpsons list (which may or may not end up on this here blog), I realized something: there are an AWFUL lot of episodes that are titled, "something VS something". Twelve of them, as a matter of fact. Over the last several weeks, I've watched and ranked all these episodes. For your enjoyment, please enjoy this awesome list of Simpsons episodes that feature "vs" in their title. Boy, there sure is a lot of conflicts in this show!

[note: they are ranked 1-12, and I've rated each one on a popular 1-10 scale. You know the score: 1 is shit, 10 is orgasmically awesome]

12. "Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays" (season 15)

 

"Why am I in this episode?" (may not be an actualy quote)

    Boy, this episode sucks. The storyline, which focuses on the town adopting an anti-children stance because of a riot at a children's concert, is weak and bizarre. The laughs are few and far between, and the entire Roofi (the child performer) concert segment has to be one of the worst segments in Simpsons history. This one can definitely be skipped. I'm giving it a low 3/10. Here are some notes!

• I find pig Latin a fascinatingly strange sounding "language"
• The "devil tobacco lobbyist" bit was kinda funny. 
• Homer misprinting the bumper stickers to read, "Yes No 242" is a good gag, and I distinctly remember laughing my ass off at it when I first watched it in 2004
• "Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child...friendly thing in town!" - Lindsay Naegle at town meeting
• "This concert is oversold! It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously!" - Marge
• As Bart and Lisa wrestle over the remote to the TV, they flip through several channels. Hank Hill from the TV: "Bobby, I got propane in my urethra."

11. "Homer vs. Dignity" (season 12)

 

Pre-panda rape

    This episode is a slight step above the Marge episode. The storyline isn't great, there aren't many laughs (besides the Smithers Broadway bit, which had me laughing out loud. It probably gets a full point just for that), and it's really just an episode that seems to be trying much too hard to be funny. I'll give this one 5/10. Now, for bullets!

• The episode starts with the family celebrating "Bart's first 'A'". I don't mean to be a joke killer here, but there's no way this is Bart's first 'A'. Don't they care at all about continuity?
• In fact, the entire restaurant segment is weak
• Carl's word-of-the-day calendar, however? Decidedly unweak. I love him thinking "conquer" is "concur" 
• My favorite joke in the whole episode: Mr. Burns makes a remark that Smithers wouldn't know the meaning of the word, "gay" (in the ol timey, "happy" sense). It then immediately cuts to Smithers doing his Malibu Stacy play on Broadway. God I LOVE this joke
• So, Homer is raped by a Panda? That's pretty gross and South Park-y
• "Come on Edna, don't be tardy!" - Skinner
• "Whoa whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?" - Burns. I always thought this quote was much funnier when I first saw this episode
• "Ah, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!" - Lenny
• "Yes, whether you're Christian or just non-Jewish, everybody loves Santa Claus." - Kent Brockman

10. "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" (season 2)

 

I choose this picture because I thought Kent Brockman looks WEIRD AS HELL here

 

    This is the earliest episode on the list. While I enjoy the second season of the show, they hadn't quite hit their golden stride yet. The animation (and voices) was still a little rough, and while the stories were good, the laughs weren't as plentiful. This is a pretty standard season two episode. The story goes as follows (for the zero of you who haven't seen it): Lisa works really hard on a Thanksgiving centerpiece; Bart ruins it because he's an asshole kid; everyone hates him for awhile; he runs away; everyone is concerned; he comes back; he and Lisa make up and have a touching moment. The story is pretty good, and there are a few laughs, but it's nothing that great. Probably on the lower end of the season two spectrum. I give it a 5/10

• Bizarre focus on Maggie during the beginning of the episode
• Homer's favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Yuck
• Bart says, "bitchin'" in this episode. I find this sort of amazing, for a cartoon that aired in November of 1990
• Maggie "talks" in this episode

9. "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" (season 6)

 

I've always liked this guy's face

    This is an episode I've never cared for that much, even though it's smack-dab in the middle of the "golden era". As I have discussed elsewhere on this blog (I think), I'm not a big fan of episodes centering around Grampa Simpson. I love his character (especially his nonsensical, rambling stories), and he can be very, very funny. Episodes that center around him, though, are generally not my favorite. I like the B-story, of all the kids trying to figure out where the adults went, much better. It's silly, but it's got some laughs. I would call this episode "weak". It's got some touching moments at the end, but not enough of the funny throughout. We'll give this bad boy a 6/10. Here are some observed thoughts:

• I love Abe continually talking about/just saying "sex" in his old man voice.
• Homer's re-appearing instant beard
• Grampa Simpson (to Homer): "Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!"
• [unfortunately, I wrote my notes on actual paper, and the little girl my wife babysits threw up on that paper, so these are the only things I could salvage. I had at least one more thought written down, but I don't know what they are :( ]

8. "Homer vs. Patty and Selma" (season 6)

 

Funny, unless you really think about it

    This was an episode that I didn't remember much from before I re-watched it. There's probably a reason for that. Even though that, like the above episode, this is a season six episode, it's kind of forgettable. There's nothing wrong with the episode, just nothing amazing. The story is good, but it relies too heavily on the presence of Patty and Selma (more side characters that couldn't carry their own episodes). Oh yeah, the Bart in the ballet B-story results in absolutely zero laughs. There's a few good lines (as there is in about 98% of all Simpsons episodes), but I'm overall pretty surprised at how un-funny this one is. 6/10.

• I like Homer's dream about his mysterious invention
• Homer's meeting with the bank loan guy is great too
• After Homer asked P & S for money, the conversation ends with those two laughing maniacally. Homer, too dumb to realize the context of their laughing, just starts laughing hysterically. I LOVE this bit. Homer laughing uncontrollably = comedy gold (usually)
• Love the TV turning on and off on its own
• Of course, this episode has Mel Brooks!
• Homer: "...and who can forget dear Ratboy"
• Homer: "No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected World's Greatest Sex Machine" (probably my favorite from this episode)
• Homer (talking to Mel Brooks): "I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me!"

7. "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment" (season 2)

 

Good ol' Devil

    This season two episode I think is way better than the Thanksgiving one. This has a great story, is decently funny, and has some good quotes. I find this episode much more memorable than the previous two I've listed. I would go back to this one as a better season two episode than most. Not a whole lot to write here, besides this one gets a solid 7/10 (it's nice to see Homer do the right thing at the end), so let's just jump right into these black dots:

• I love the biblical intro. Some very funny lines
• The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out cracks me up every time. Maybe one of my favorite Simpsons things ever
• Also, the tagline for that boxing match is, "This time, it's for money." I LOVE THIS SO VERY MUCH
• Cashier: "I need a price check on two grapes." (a line I still use occasionally)

6. "Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade" (season 14)

 

 

This had me laughing out loud for at least thirty seconds

    I hadn't watched this episode in a while. When I sat down to re-watch it, I was expecting it to be crappy, as I find a lot of season 14 is. I was very pleasantly surprised to find that it's actually a pretty hilarious episode. I mean, I ranked it sixth out of twelve. That's pretty decent. While the story of Bart and Lisa fighting then making up is an old one that has been told in better episodes (and in other episodes in general. See entry #10), it's still got some nice emotion towards the end. And again, it's genuinely very funny. Let's give it a 7/10 and dive right in!

• Satellite installers give Homer a time frame of installation. The time frame is between "now and June". They come in September
• Japanese Friends!
• Maybe the first Futurama character cameo (Bender, during Bart's hallucination)
• I like Homer watching "School Span" and seeing the assembly. Funny stuff
• Bart's acronyms for remembering stuff for tests are pretty funny: Dogs Eat Barf Solely On Wednesday Maybel
• I didn't write them down, but the names of the kids in Bart and Lisa's new class are pretty funny
• Field Trip Memorial
• Bart: "Oh Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead."
• McConnell (Bart/Lisa's new teacher): "Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher."
• Homer: "If I wanted reality I'd have this lump looked at."
• McConnell: "Now children, if you look up at the capital dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot bellied sparrow, eating our state pasta, bowtie." (I laughed out loud at this. Grade A ridiculousness)

5. "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" (season 9)

 

Basically how I imagine Mad Magazine to be run

    I used to hold this episode in very high regard. I remember it being hilarious. I've watched it countless times. This most recent watch-through, I decided this episode is not as funny as I remembered it being. Maybe I just watched it too many times. It still has some great bits, and the story, while zany, is great. The quotes are nothing stellar, however I will say Marge's "Broadway" quote cracks me up. Solid episode, not great. Also, it's a little strange to watch something with the old twin towers. Although the tower jokes are funny. 7/10

• How can you not LOVE the car that Homer builds himself?
• That overhead shot of Homer, sticking by his car, using a stick to try and reach the pizza place. Priceless
• I love the "Kickin' It!" musical
• Homer: "Look everyone! I'm Peter Pants-less". This isn't an amazing quote, but this is the first time my wife had ever laughed at The Simpsons. She's not a fan
• Marge: "The bus station is just ONE of the sights we came to see." 
• Marge: "You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience."

4. "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment" (season 8)

 

Not my picture. Courtesy of TVtropes (because I forgot to take one!)

[note: forgot to take a picture for this episode, like a damn bonehead. So I grabbed this one from TVtropes!]   
    This is a pretty funny episode. I love the story a lot. Especially the beginning Saint Patrick's Day bit. I love taking alcohol away from Homer. Usually results in great stuff. Of course, what makes this episode so great is one time character Rex Banner (I actually don't know if he's been used since. I haven't seen many episodes between seasons 18-25. But, considering the way the episode ends, probably not). He's got that old timey 1920's charm (the way he talks, dresses, etc). A website I frequent (and really, really enjoy) has a list of the 11 best one-off Simpsons characters, and Banner is number three on it (read the whole list here. Seriously guys, his website 11 Points, is great and you should all check it out. Especially Simpsons fans). Not that he's number one on that list, but I really wanted to give a shout-out to that site. Anyway, great story, funny bits, and a great one-time character. 8/10 easy.

• Dr. Hibbert's wife's name is Bernice. 
• How many bathtubs can the Simpsons fit in their damn basement? They have at least 15. That's a HUGE basement
• Flinging Rex Banner out of the town with a catapult is a great, crazy touch
• I personally think the "alcohol" quote that Homer delivers at the end is a touch overrated. It's funny, but it's not even the best quote in the episode. 
• Lisa: "No one's pinching his legs!"
• Kent Brockman: " 'What are YOU looking at?' The innocent words of a drunken ten year old."
• Rex Banner (to unidentified officer): "Take that badge out of your mouth!" (I love how stupid the cop looks with the badge in his mouth)

3. "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy" (season 5)

(heart)

    Here’s where it REALLY gets good. These final three episodes are some of my favorites of all time (in fact, number one I’m pretty sure IS my favorite of all time). This episode is incredibly fantastic for numerous reasons: the story is great (and it has good, still-relevant commentary on both the toy collecting craze, and sexism), Stacy is a fantastic one-time (I believe one-time) character, there is a huge amount of laughs, hilarious B-story with Grampa getting a job, and overall this episode just whales it out of the park. If nothing else, it has the classic scene where Smithers boots up his computer, and a (seemingly) naked Mr. Burns pops up, with the infamous, “Hello, Smithers. You’re quite good at turning me on”. And Smithers’s hilarious response to Lisa: “Um…you probably should ignore that.” God, a true classic. Anyway, this one is an easy 9/10. Please enjoy these bullet points!

•  Maaaaatlock!
• I really love all of Grampa Simpson’s antics in this episode. Maybe the best Grampa episode ever?
•  As I mentioned, Smithers’s start-up screen for his computer. So good I’m listing it twice
• Krusty’s doll-line reading is an underrated hilarious bit for the episode
•  Customer: “Damn sandwich took a bite out of me!”

2. "Bart vs. Australia" (season 6)

The knifey-spooney championship

    This one is a step up from “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”. This one is laugh-out-loud funny, and the jokes come a mile-a-minute. Of course, this one has one of my favorite silly Simpsons bits of all time (which one could it be? Check the bullet list for full info!). The story is zany, silly, and fairly unrealistic (even for The Simpsons), but it doesn’t feel forced and unfunny like the “out there” storylines of later seasons. Everything about this episode is perfect. I don’t have a single complaint about this masterpiece. Without further adieu, here’s some stuff! (oh yeah, this one is a 9.5/10)

• I LOVE how long international numbers are. This always cracks me up
• Speaking of LOVING crazy jokes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Hitler joke. It’s one of those crazy, nonsensical jokes that the writers just throw in. These are some of my favorite jokes of “golden era” Simpsons
• I really enjoy the depiction of Australian people
• What is one of my favorite silly Simpsons bits of all time? Well, it’s not the Hitler joke. What could it be? Hhmm…
• …it’s the knifey-spooney gag! Kills me every time. Top five Simpsons gag of all time
• Hey, pobody’s nerfect in Australia
• I also really enjoy Marge trying to order a coffee at the pub.
• Conover: “Disparaging the boot is a boot-able offense.”
• Clerk (talking about bullfrogs): “What? That’s an odd name. I’d have called them ‘chazz-wuzzers’.”
• Australian guy: “900 dollary-doo’s?!”

1. 1. "Marge vs. the Monorail" (season 4)

More of that zaniness I love so much

    Well, we knew it would come to this. This is easily the number one episode of The Simpsons that features something versing something else in the title. Despite my undying love of The Simpsons, I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about my absolute favorite episode of all time. I’m pretty sure it’s this one. It might be the easy pick, but come on, this episode is the definition of comedy perfection! There’s nonsense (the giant magnifying glass, escalator to nowhere, etc); there’s a good guest star making fun of himself (Leonard Nimoy. I love how he just disappears, a la Star Trek, at the end of the episode); there’s a great, ridiculous story (monorail being installed in Springield); there’s an amazing musical number (“The ring came off my pudding can/take my pen knife my good man!”); there’s like hundreds of great quotes (“Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards”) ; there’s nice sight gags (conjoined twins getting split apart by the anchor); what else? Jeesh, the list goes on and on. Since I can’t say anything else that probably hasn’t been said already, let’s just take a look at this stuff I wrote down on a (now vomit-soaked) piece of paper. Oh, the arbitrary rating? 10/10 obvi!

• I like the, “eat who I eat” line quite a bit
• Krusty has a son with some random woman? Seems perfectly in line with his sleazy character
• Lureen Lumpkin is briefly in this one. She sounds like lunchlady Doris. Lureen Lumpkin may be my LEAST favorite Simpsons character of all time. In fact, “Colonol Homer” is pronbably in my top ten least favorite episodes
• Homer (referencing a large family of possums): "I call the big one Bitey"
• Carl (talking to Lenny about what exactly the plant does with their old toxic waste): “Either way, I’m sleeping good tonight!” (Lenny and Carl high five)
• Unfortunately, this was another page that I lost some of my notes on due to vomit. I'm pretty bummed about this. That's the lesson kids: don't ever write anything down, EVER. ALWAYS use your phone to take notes for your blog
• But, you've all seen the episode. You love it. Just go watch it, straightaway!
  
  
  
  
  
  

  There you have it! The idea of making very specific Simpsons-themed lists appeals to me greatly, so expect more in the future. I may have a few ideas. Anyway, thanks for reading!