B-LOG SLAYING: Splatterhouse (arcade)

Gory goodness oozes around every disgusting corner!

 

    I had always been semi-aware of the Splatterhouse series. However, I had never played the games, or even seen gameplay. Maybe I was only aware of it by name only. At any rate, up until very recently, I was in the dark about what this game was all about. And, to be fair, it originally came out in arcades in 1989, so I was only two. And it was ported to a home console I would have never ever had growing up (the TurboGrafx-16). So my chances of really playing this game were very small anyway.
    I was browsing a very favorite retro gaming site of mine, called Hardcoregaming101 (guys and girls, check it out. It has some amazingly informative articles about hundreds of different retro games. I check it almost daily), and I came across their write-up of the Splatterhouse series. I read a little bit, and I looked at some screenshots. Right then, it hit me: I HAD to play this game. It looked gory. It looked gross. It looked disturbing. It looked like a game that was tailor made for me. But again, with the game being on the TurboGrafx-16, and the subsequent two releases on the Sega Genesis, how the hell would I ever play these incredibly awesome-looking games? Enter Splatterhouse for the PS3.
    This was another game I was aware of, and had seen the cover for in Gamestop before, but I never even gave it a second look. And admittedly, it's not an amazing game. The PS3 (also available for Xbox 360) remake was a straight-forward God of War-esque action game. It got very tedious and boring (despite some incredible levels of blood and gore). I was going to play that game through to completion and have a B-LOG SLAYING about it, but a few days ago I made a decision. I didn't care to play through the game. It wasn't holding my attention as I hoped it would. However, we aren't here to talk about the 2010 remake of Splatterhouse. We're here to talk about the arcade original. But Shane, you're asking yourself, what does all this rambling have to do with the game at hand? What does it all mean? Glad you asked, hypothetical reader. The entire, complete original trilogy of games is available to unlock and play on this Splatterhouse remake disc. The rub? You have to play through about three quarters of the game to unlock them all though. I still need to beat three more chapters to unlock Splatterhouse 3, but I'm not in a rush.
    I got off track quite a bit there. The ENTIRE point I'm making is this: I had no idea what Splatterhouse was all about, then I learned, and now I'm fairly obsessed. I recently played through and beat the original arcade release, and here's what I thought of it. Note: the squeamish need not apply. I mean, these are arcade/16-bit graphics, but I was amazed (and shocked) at some of the stuff that's in this game.

And so, face down in the purple vortex, the adventure begins

CONS:

• Very small variety of moves
• No ability to save/use passwords
• STAGE VI

Normally I wouldn't include a tough stage as a con, but this one was something else. One of the most frustrating, unforgiving, eh, you'll have to just read on. Here's the pros!

PROS:

• Great enemy variety/design
• No save/password system, but a very short game anyway (if you know what you're doing)
• The GORE. The aesthetics of this game are some of my favorite I've ever seen in ANY game. It's got monsters, demons, slime, blood, decaying things, deformed things, fetal things, bizarre things, and generally just some gross things. I can't stop thinking about how fucking sweet this game is. Damn

    Pretty easy list. As this is a simple game, this con/pro list is pretty simple. This post will be on the shorter side, but I'll write as much as I can.
    This game is essentially a side-scrolling beat 'em up. However, don't let that fool you; it's very, very simplistic. Rick (the main character) can punch, crouch, jump, kick while crouching, kick in the air, and perform a semi-tough-to-pull-off slide kick (which involves jumping, landing, and attacking). That's it. And there's no three-dimensional plane. It's just you, walking to the right. It's an old game, so I understand the limits of the time, but even so, I'm sure they could have figured out more things for Rick to do. He's this big, jacked, pissed off guy, and all he can do is punch and kick? Lame. He can wield a variety of weapons throughout the game (a cleaver, 2x4, a shotgun, or thrown weapons like rocks, harpoons, and knives), but they are dropped if you go through to a different room (or you are hit). Not a huge deal overall, but it adds to the very simplistic (and repetitive, which will certainly turn some people off) nature of the game.
    Since this was an arcade game, it makes sense that it doesn't save or have a password system. Still sucks. Here's a great example of why it sucks: on Friday night, I sat down to play, hoping I could conquer the game in about an hour. I had previously gotten to the very last room before the boss of Stage V. So, I got through the first five stages easily enough, and I hit a HUGE rut on Stage VI (more on that later), and I played so late into the morning that I had to shut it off. When I wanted to play the next night, I had to start from Stage I. Pretty aggravating and disappointing (even though it took me about twenty minutes to get back to Stage VI again). Again, this is a minor complaint, and it's one I can't bemoan too much.
    Now, Stage VI. Good ol' Stage VI. My friend Max at work had warned me about how much of a pain in the ass this stage was. You don't really know until you experience it yourself. The kicker is, though, that if you're good enough at the level, it's almost the shortest one in the whole game, and you could get through it in 2-3 minutes. As I mentioned above, I played Friday night. I played for about three hours. At least 90 minutes of that three hours was devoted to trying (and trying. And trying. And trying. You get the picture) to just beat Stage VI. After you beat the boss of Stage V (more on the bosses below. You know the drill), you drop down into this organic-looking hole, and it brings you into this womb-like area, where apparently all the monsters are coming from. You traverse this womb-area, and you are constantly under assault by these bubbles that appear both on the floor and on the ceiling (both in front of, and behind, you). They form, then float, and if they land after floating, a small fetus-demon emerges. They can be killed in one hit, but the bubbles can float in such erratic patterns that it can be tough (or impossible) to dodge them. Plus, if some of those babies hatch (or, are born, I guess?) then they can jump at you. If they successfully get to you, they attach themselves to you, and slowly drain your health until you shake them off. It probably doesn't sound too hard, if you've never played it, but trust me, it's frustrating as all hell. Because Rick isn't the most agile guy around, avoiding the endless stream of bubbles is hard. This level made me contemplate smashing my controller through the wall. I haven't felt such extreme anger at a game since some of those goddamn DLC bosses from Dark Souls II (Sir Alonne, I'm looking at you, you bastard).
 
    I don't find the cons in this game to be terribly egregious, however I would understand people not liking the game because of them (or mainly, that it's too repetitive for them). Well, I don't really understand people not liking this game. It's a wonderful game. I'd like to explain now why it's so wonderful:

    This game is filled with monsters and demons. I find the designs of these guys to be simple yet gory. They are decayed, bloody (or "slimy"), twisted and deformed. Some examples of the variety are: zombies, mutants, decaying dogs, dismembered hands, bats, mirror-reflections of yourself, hanging dead monster corpses, water monsters, gross worms, and these fucking things:

What can be said?

     I mean, look at this thing? It's essentially a crawling, limbless fetus (are all fetuses limbless actually?) that spews green slime at you. This is my favorite enemy in the game. I think it only shows up twice, but the first time it does (pictured above, at the start of Stage III), I remember actually being a bit freaked out. Even for a game that's 25 years old, this is a pretty damn disturbing enemy. And I LOVE it.
    As I've mentioned, this game is short. So, despite there not being a save system, the game really doesn't take too long to go through. If you are good and know what you're doing, you can play through and beat the whole game in 20-30 minutes. I had to restart and play from the beginning on five (I think) different occasions, and it took my close to six hours, all told. I know I can beat the game now in an hour or less. If it wasn't for that goddamn Stage VI I could have this game beat in under forty minutes. There are only seven stages, and some are very short (Stages I and III specifically can each be beaten in about 90 seconds). So, no save/password sucks, but it ain't that long anyway.
    Now, my favorite part of this game: the GORE. I've used words like, "gross" and "disgusting" a lot in this post, and for good reason. The levels, besides even the enemies and bosses themselves, are very detailed in their over-the-top craziness. The first time I ever booted it up to play, I remember thinking, "how the hell did this get released in the late 80s?" I feel like this game is grosser than Mortal Kombat even.

Just a few examples here

Is that a large cleaver or are you happy to see me?

But I can throw these words around until the mutated fetus cows come home. Inside the game, you'll see: decayed bodies that vomit green slime/acid stuff; chained up, tortured "people"; piles and piles of dead meat or organs; as I've mentioned, Stage VI takes place inside a womb!; and really other various nasty and vile things. Look, I'm starting to realize I'm not selling this game as best I can. For some reason, I'm having a hard time writing about this without becoming repetitive myself and using the same words over and over again. If you like B-movie gore and body-horror, you'll love the look of this game. Simple as that. Oh yeah, almost forgot! Your health, as seen in the picture above, is represented by actual human hearts. This is incredibly amazing to me.

    Those are my thoughts on the game. On the whole, I really, really, enjoyed it. More than I even thought I might before I played it. It's quickly become a favorite of mine, and I can't wait to play the second and third installments. I hear they are better (and grosser). So, if you don't mind it being very simple, somewhat repetitive, and pretty short, then you'll have a blast playing it. And again, if you don't own a TurboGrafx-16, but you DO own a PS3/Xbox 360, buy the dumb remake. Sure, you have to play through eight chapters of it, but it's totally worth it. One final interesting note: the version available to unlock in the remake is the arcade version, and not the TurboGrafx-16 version. This is great because the Grafx version has a few changes from the arcade version, and they are all for the worse. First off, Rick's mask is changed from white to red. It looks like shit when it's red. I understand why they did it: they didn't want him to look too much like Jason Vorhees (or the resulting lawsuit that would come with that), but I still think the red mask looks awful. Secondly, for the TurboGrafx-16 version, ALL religious imagery was taken out. Not that there was much in the first place. The boss for Stage IV is an inverted cross (how awesome), but in the Grafx version it's just a blue head. Also, directly after this boss there is an altar with candles. The altar has been inexplicably taken out, and the candles just float in thin air. Finally, at the end (SPOILER ALERT), when you get to the grave where the final boss rises, the cross is replaced by a lame tombstone. I'm pretty thankful they included the original arcade release over the crappy-looking (and neutered) TurboGrafx-16 one. This is definitely the way to go to play this game.

    There's one final thing to get to, now that I've rambled quite enough: the bosses, sillies!

BOSSES

Body Eaters (or Boreworms)

Dead

    The Stage I boss is twenty-or-so of these Boreworms. They wriggle out of all the decaying...whatever it is that is piled in this room, and they jump at you. They can either jump very high and far, or they hop a little a slither along the ground. The easy strategy is to stand at the far right of the room, and just spam the punch button. Be weary when they crawl on the ground so you can duck and kick them. Easy first boss. They also show up as enemies elsewhere in the game.

Poltergeist Room

Eye see you!

    Another boring-looking boss (don't worry, from Stage III on, with one exception, they get better). This is a room that is haunted by a poltergeist. When you arrive here, the whole room shakes, and a bunch of shit falls from the ceiling. Avoid it, and the green-seated chair (pictured above jumping crazily) starts jumping crazily at you. Dispatch it, and three knives come at one. Once they are dealt with, the eye painting comes to life and flies around the room. Kill it to be almost done with the battle. Once the painting is done with, DON'T stand under that damn chandelier. It falls. And if it kills you, guess what. You're doing the boss over again! For whatever reason, this boss gives me more trouble than any of the first five bosses. Still, not too hard.

Biggy Man

He is quite a biggy man

    Despite the fact that this boss sounds like he was named by a five-year-old, this guy is awesome, if not completely nonsensical. He has two chainsaws for arms, has a bag over his head a la Jason from Friday the 13th Part Two (although with no eye holes...), and seemingly has no skin. You get a shotgun right before the battle. It has eight shells. Unfortunately, eight is not quite enough to take him down. There are two ways to do this: use the eight shells on him, then just get close and punch away, and hope you can juggle him; or you can actually bring a shotgun found earlier in the level to the battle by holding it throughout the level and then continually picking up and putting down both that shotgun and the other shotgun you will find right before the boss battle. You're essentially "walking" them both, since you can't equip more than one. I think he takes ten or eleven shots to kill. With this method he's very easy, and with the more "legitimate" method he's tougher. But, if you have full health, you'll be fine (it's absolutely impossible to get close to him without getting hit).

Evil Cross

Who would have a problem with this? Babies

    The boss of Stage IV is a floating, inverted cross. It's protected by floating bloody dismembered heads. How fucking awesome is that? When you walk into the room you need to walk towards it as it floats to the end of the room. Halfway through, you'll get a cleaver. Very helpful. Once it's at the end of the room, it floats around the screen, and it has it's (infinite amount of) heads fly at you. You need to destroy the heads around the cross, then give it a few good whacks with the cleaver. The heads regenerate after a short time, so this boss is best done quickly. Still, not too hard.

Jennifer

So adorable!

    This is Rick's girlfriend, who he's trying to save. She's been turned into a decaying demon. At the start of the battle, she jumps across the screen. As soon as she lands, she extends her claws to attack. After the attack, she jumps to the other side of the screen. It's best to hit her while she's in the air. This will give you enough time to make space in between you and her, so when she uses her claws, you're far away.
    After you hit her a few times, she changes back into regular Jennifer briefly. After this, she has the long-and-high jump plus a much shorter jump. Same strategy applies though: just punch her in the air.
    She will once again turn back into her former self, then turn back into the demon. This final "phase" is the toughest: besides her two other jumps, she will also hop forward a short distance. Here you need to get up close to her to deliver a punch, but you can do it where you can punch her as soon as she lands her small hop. and still back up in time. It can be a bit tricky, but overall it isn't terribly difficult.

Mother

I love my mommy

    The boss of Stage VI, and apparently the source of all the monsters. The boss itself is just this big heart that's attached to a stem. It can't physically attack you. However, the damn babies still spawn as you fight it, and this makes it very difficult. My general strategy was to try to clear the area of the babies as best I could, then go up to the heart and low-kick the ever-loving shit out of it. Most of the bubbles spawn low, so the low-kicks get rid of them. If some spawn at the top of the heart (as pictured), stand up and take a few punches. Otherwise, make sure to turn and kill any babies/bubbles that come behind you. This boss takes like fifty fucking hits to kill. And, can I just say why do bubbles kill Rick? He's this huge, muscle-bound maniac that fights monsters and demons and all sorts of ghoulies, but a fucking bubble grazes his arm and, oops, that's it. You're dead. Man, fuck Stage VI

Hell Chaos

I'm very sorry for this picture

    [note: I didn't realize until just yesterday how AWFUL this picture looks. Here's a link (with a MUCH better picture. Scroll to the bottom) to the (now-defunct) West Mansion website, which besides being the best Splatterhouse website, is also run by the guy that runs Hardcoregaming101. Circle of life.]
    This is Hell Chaos. He rises from a grave to fight you. He's a rotting (or decaying. Not sure if it really matters) head. He also has some rotting hands that try to grab you (and come from more the front of the screen). He himself just goes underground and emerges on the other side of the screen. When he does this, he shoots rocks. To avoid these, I generally stay away from him, towards the middle of the screen, until they all fall. His hands are tougher to avoid. You can see them at the bottom of the screen right before they attack. You can either jump away (which I try not to do), or you can just walk in the opposite direction. Sounds easy, but both hands attack right after one another, and they are pretty quick. Otherwise, just punch the hell out of the head for a bit, and it goes down (it takes WAY less hits than the Mother boss).


    And there you have it, Splatterhouse for the arcade. I would suggest it to everyone, unless you don't like gross things. If that's the case, I have nothing to say to you. Good day (everyone else, I'll see you all next time!)

FIN