Final Fantasy IV Advance Diary, Week 5

Wam! Boom! Straight to da Moon!

SWEARING!

DAY 14 (1/15/15. PLAYTIME: 10:07 TO 10:57)

    Flew around (for six full minutes) trying to find Eblan. I eventually did. It's an abandoned castle (with a few treasure chests to be had). However there is a cave nearby. With the use of the hovercraft, I made my way there.
    I went through a few floors of the Eblan passage (another boring watery cave area, which is disappointing because this is the third or fourth "watery passage" in the game so far) until I found the inhabitants of the castle. I also found their prince, Edge, fighting Rubicante. Suffice to say (surprise surprise) he was getting his ass kicked. After the beat down, he joins your party, and he sneaks the party into the Tower of Babel, which is connected to the passageway.

     I spent the rest of the time running through here and grinding a tiny bit. Will grind more here next time I play.

• I meant to add this in last week's post, but I think the airship music kicks major ass.
• How many characters get introduced to the audience by getting their asses handed to them in battle? Seems like a lot
• Not a whole lot more to add, really. I didn't do a ton (if you're curious, the random battle rate is still absurdly high)
  

---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 15 (1/16/15. PLAYTIME: 10:58 TO 11:51)

 

    Today was a little more eventful than yesterday. I grinded (a real word?) a little bit around the save room of the Tower of Babel. Eventually I pressed onward, and I found Edge's parents, the king and Queen of Eblan. Too bad they are monsters now!Yikes!
    After a sad (as in, awfully melancholic) battle, they died. Rubicante then appears! He tells them that Dr. Lugae turned Edge's parents into monsters. This pisses Edge off so much he learns two new (badass) ninjitsu attacks. Ruby wants a fair fight, so he heals the party completely! What a nice guy.
    You fight him. After this long, arduous fight, Ruby assures us he'll rise again. After this, I just went back to the area around the save room, and I just leveled a little more, because I only had about 15 minutes left to play.

• Even though I had some boss fights, still not a whole lot to expound upon today. The monsters, as is the case basically everywhere, are pretty tough. I must be under-leveled, at least a little bit. Should probably grind some more. I don't mind grinding, and I realize it's a necessary part of a game like this, but I just wanna PLAY. Since I don't always have a huge amount of time to play, I hate using that precious time to mindlessly level up
• Rubicante is my favorite villain so far. Easily. He seems to be the only one who's really fleshed out, and seems to have more complexity to him

BOSS:

 

KING AND QUEEN (OF EBLAN)

Killer Queen (and King!)

    These are Edge's parents, but they've been turned to monsters by Doc Lugae. They attack for a few turns before the final bit of their old humanity pokes through. The music gets very somber, and they don't attack anymore after this. So you basically just smash them with the toughest stuff you have, while they tell Edge they don't belong in this world anymore, and while Edge gets really sad by it. This is barely even a boss fight, but it's pretty sad and full of melancholy. Jeez Final Fantasy IV, way to tug on the heartstrings!

RUBICANTE

LOVE that cape!

    I actually really enjoy ol Ruby here. He's polite, and all he wants is a fair, balanced fight (plus, his name sounds like some sort of spicy, delicious rub for a pork shoulder). Hell, he even completely restores your HP & MP before the battle. Also, Edge unlocks two new ninjitsu moves right before this battle. The battle isn't too bad, but it's pretty long. Ruby has a lot of health.
    I had Cecil attack (or group heal when needed); Edge used his ninjitsu Blitz attack (until he ran out of MP, then he just attacked regularly); Rosa of course healed; and Rydia just attacked, because fire and ice heal him, and Thunder doesn't even scratch him. I suppose I could have tried Titan or Dragon. Didn't even think of it. Whoopsy.
    I think, offense wise, the most important person in this battle is Kain. His Jump does HUGE damage. So that's what he did for the entire battle. Without him, this battle would have been EVEN longer. Yikes.
    Ruby doesn't really have many attacks. Every physical attack against him he counters with Fira against the whole party. This was pretty weak luckily. Otherwise he attacks or uses an attack called Glare. This insta-killed anyone but Cecil (at max health).
    So I just attacked, healed, and revived, and after a while Ruby went down. He did say he'll rise again though...

---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 16 (1/17/15. PLAYTIME: 11:52 TO 12:59)

    I dicked around in the Tower of Babel for a while. I call it accidental leveling, because I was leveling by wandering around aimlessly. Eventually I found the Crystal room, but there was a trap that dropped me to the part of the Tower of Babel that is in the Underworld.
    I wandered around some more and found an abandoned enemy airship. We hijacked it and flew back to the king in the Dwarf Castle.
    Apparently I was slightly off in what I said last week, in that Golbez had stolen the other Dark Crystal and we were going to meet him at the Tower to steal them all back. He actually HADN'T stolen the final Dark Crystal yet. It is within the Sealed Cavern, and he can't access it. The king gives the party a necklace that will open the Sealed Cavern. Great! Only problem? This dumb airship doesn't fly over the magma. However, someone in the Dwarf Castle mentions something about a crazy old coot in the infirmary. Intrigued, I searched for the infirmary. After searching for it for a few minutes, I found it. And nestled between the sheets of one of the beds was none other than...
   ...CID! He (apparently) survived that huge explosion! This is wonderful. He gets up (against doctor's orders, sort of like Edward did so long ago) and fixes the airship so it can fly over the magma. He unfortunately doesn't join back in the party (he's too injured), but he's alive and that's all that matters!
    So the party heads southwest to the Sealed Cavern. It's, surprise surprise, another goddamn cave dungeon. That's a "con" I would include in a traditional B-LOG SLAYING: dungeon variety is really lacking.
    I saved it in the Cavern, so there isn't much else to say. I think next time I pick it up to play, I'll probably encounter a boss, because there is ALWAYS a boss of some kind at the end of the dungeons. 

• EVERY door in this Cavern is really a monster. It has a ton of HP, and if you don't kill it fast enough, it spawns an additional monster. It's not hard, but it's very tedious. However you get a nice chunk of experience for it.
• Talking to people in towns really helps! I wasn't sure exactly what to do once I realized I needed to go over the magma to get to the Cavern. But I talked to a bunch of people, and I realized I needed to go to the infirmary! Score one for diligence
• Besides the low variety of dungeons, I'm really starting to realize that their isn't a huge amount of enemy sprite variety. It's mostly palette swaps and different names. A bit disappointing.

 ---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 17 (1/18/15. PLAYTIME: 13:00 TO 13:22)

    Didn't do much during my small session at all. Got through some of the Cavern, mostly just fighting those damn monster doors. Got lots of leveling done as well. Nothing else to add. Sorry to disappoint with a tiny little paragraph

  ---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 18 (1/22/15. PLAYTIME: 13:23 TO 14:55)

    I started more than halfway through the Cavern. I quickly made my way to the bottom, to the Crystal Room. And wouldn't you know it, I was actually able to walk up, grab the Crystal, and leave the room! Simple as that! No Golbez coming out of nowhere to steal it. I like this new dynamic!
    Of course, grabbing the Crystal set off a trap against a large Demon Wall boss. He's easily dispatched. After this, it's a simple matter of just leaving the Cavern and returning the Crystal to the king. No problemo...
    Oh, wait, no it isn't. Because this is Final Fantasy IV, so SOMETHING is gonna go wrong. Golbez (bodylessly) again takes control Kain, who grabs the Crystal and leaves. Fuck. Why wouldn't Cecil even try to stop him? Because he totally doesn't. He stands by, and just lets Kain leave with it. So now Kain is gone again.
    After this disappointing series of events, I got back to the Castle. The King isn't too pleased about the Crystal being stolen, but he mentions something about a "Lunar Whale", which is some mythical ship that can fly to the moon. I guess? The elder in Mysidia knows of this, so the plan is to get to the surface and go to Mysidia. BUT! The opening is sealed. Cue Cid, to come in and save the day yet again. He claims he can add a drill to the airship, so they can all get back to the surface world. Of course, he overworks himself, and ends up staying behind in the Castle instead of adventuring. Oh well, at least we can get out of hell here.

The Lunar Whale!

    Once I fly around for a few minutes and get back to the surface, I arrive in Mysidia. The party is met by the elder, and then everyone goes to the Tower of Worship to pray for the "Lunar Whale". They do, and it appears! Cecil goes into it and finds a Crystal, which navigates the giant ship. We flew it to the Moon.
    And that's really about it. I spent the rest of my lunch break grinding, because HOLY SHIT the monsters on the Moon are tough as shit! Boy howdy!

    I'm gonna cheat a little bit. After I finished playing on my lunch on the 18th, I played later that night and the following morning. It was a combined 30 minutes, and it was exclusively just grinding on the Moon. Everyone's levels are in the high-30's, and I'd like them to be at least 40-42. Once I hit that goal, I'll continue the story.

• They say the "Lunar Whale" (a giant ship) comes from the Moon, yet when it is prayed for, it doesn't come from space. It forms out of a Whirlpool. Weird
• The party getting split up YET AGAIN kinda sucks. I haven't minded the constant revolving-door policy as it concerns the party members, but I liked Kain. Another good fighter in the party ain't a bad thing
• And since Cid is too injured, he can't even join. So it's Cecil, Edge, Rydia, and Rosa.

   

BOSS:

 

DEMON WALL:

Good heavy metal album cover?

    This is a really easy battle. Also, I can now appreciate the Demon Wall (maybe not his exact name?) from Final Fantasy VII, during the end of the Temple of the Ancients. Pretty cool. But really, this battle is far easier than that one. The wall edges ever closer, and all he does is use a decidedly weak physical attack, and will occasionally use Stone Gaze, which does...something, to a character? I'm honestly not sure what the negative effect is. But as far as the party's offense, everyone is in on it: Cecil and Edge Attack, Kain Jumps, Rydia spams Titan, and even Rosa (!!) uses Aim (and of course heals when necessary). I assume you have to kill this guy before he gets too close and crushes you. Luckily, his attacks are so weak you can whale on him and barely even have to worry about healing or anything. I killed him easily, when he was about halfway across the screen. Even one of the characters said it (Edge?) right after: "Nothing to it". Hopefully that's not ominous foreboding...

    Luckily, it wasn't (as far as boss battles go). Here's a bigger picture of the battle, to show how big the boss is:

If you didn't know, I PAUSEd the game

Simpsons Season 26 Review: Simpsorama

Crossoverarama!

Somehow, this should be better

"Simpsorama"

    And here we are, the sixth episode of season 26, and perhaps one of the strangest, almost-amazing, episodes of the incredibly long run of the show. In fact, this was the episode that I originally watched that gave rise to my idea to watch this entire season. I was browsing through our On-Demand service, and I saw that the most recent episode of The Simpsons was a crossover with Futurama. "Well, shucks," I might have said that night. "The Simpsons really sucks now, but Futurama never hit that really crappy low. And it would be great to see one more Futurama adventure." I imagine this was a very easy crossover for them to do anyway. Maybe that's why they did it.
    I very recently read something about how this was one of the worst things The Simpsons have ever done, continuity-wise. Like, how does this make ANY KIND OF SENSE AT ALL TO THE UNIVERSE OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE FAMILY? Honestly, I don't know. I guess it really doesn't. I mean, we are in season 26. Does continuity really even matter anymore? I'd almost go so far to say as long as they deliver a watchable episode that is funny, has a decent story, and isn't loaded with pointless celebrities and/or secondary characters getting their own episodes, I'm fine with them pissing all over the continuity. I've been OBSESSED with a podcast that someone on Instagram turned me on to. It's called, "Worst Episode Ever" (here is their website. After you finish reading this fine blog post, immediately go there and listen!), and it's two guys that watch episodes of post "classic era" Simpsons (season eleven and beyond) to determine, once and for all, which is the worst episode ever. It's a great podcast, but I just listened to one where they talk about the episode, "The Principal and the Pauper". They generally don't like the continuity (or cannon) of the show being twisted here. I honestly feel that in the season five episode "Homer's Barbershop Quartet", they don't directly mess with the continuity that had been established the four seasons earlier, but seriously? Homer can just sing acapella and play piano? When basically the rest of the series he can't do either. That has always bugged me, and it's one of my least favorite episodes of the "classic era".
    Wow, nice little tangent. My whole point is this: season 26 Simpsons main goal should be to make me laugh. They are probably too old to be nuanced. If destroying continuity is a way to do that, then I'm all for it!
    [author's note: isn't that, their destroying of continuity (especially with ridiculous craziness) a big complaint I've had with later-season episodes? Ssshhhhh!]

Ever thought you'd see THIS image? Kinda cool

    Okay, let's talk about this episode. Firstly, the couch gag. It was a decent melding of both Futurama and The Simpsons, even though it was weak It starts with the above image (and the absolute AWESOME line ,"A show out of ideas teams up with a show out of episodes"), like the classic Futurama open, until it cuts to a couch gag involving Hedonism bot. In short, it sucks. But what else is new about season 26 couch gags? Let's move on.
    The story was decent this week, if not utterly crazy. It starts with the children of Springfield Elementary making a time capsule. It ends with the future New New York being devastated by things (lizard-kind of things that resemble Bart. Yeah, it's a wild episode) that were spawned from a sneezed-in-by-Bart sandwich from the past. It's silly, and it has more of a Futurama feel, since it deals with time travel. Originally, Bender is sent back in time to kill Homer, since they originally think Homer is the cause of the future destruction (rabbits that look eerily like Matt Groening's Life in Hell rabbits). However, these rabbits transform into the lizard-Bart things. And eventually, everything is okay. Not the best summary, but that's not what you are here for anyway.
    I guess this was a hyped-up episode before it aired. I had never heard of it until after it aired, so I must have missed the hype. Interesting that this aired not long after the Simpsons/Family Guy crossover. That one I had heard about, and wanted to watch. Never got around to it, but eventually I'll see it I'm sure. Even so, it was fun to see all these characters (Futurama and Simpsons) together, and I think they generally worked pretty well. The episode was decently funny and had TONS of visual references/callbacks to old Simpsons and Futurama stuff. That was enjoyable. This episode is not as good as the previous one, which was definitely the high-mark of the season so far. But, it wasn't bad. I'm gonna level with you guys, this one is a little tough for me to write. As I said, this was the first season 26 episode I watched, and I watched it quite a long time ago. I wrote decent notes for it, but I don't have the added benefit of just having watched  it. I feel very rambly in this post, and for that I apologize. Well, I don't apologize that much. I do have a lot to write for my bullet point segment, but I feel my write up is a little lacking, or hollow.
    How about this: if you like Futurama you will probably like this episode. If you have enjoyed season 26 of The Simpsons in the same way as I have so far (pleasantly surprised, but still realizing this show has fallen A LOT), you'll like this episode. For that, I'll give this one...

6/10

• I liked the artist's rendition of the future mayor Quimby (it's a cockroach)
• Homer reads, "How To Read A Book In Bed", in bed. Pretty silly
• Something I really, really, disliked was the trap Homer set, that strung up Bart. Bender and Homer repeatedly slapping Bart to spin his rope, was super dumb. The worst part of the episode
• "Electronic hyper-credits" bit was pretty funny
• I like the Pin Pals reference 
• I really like the joke about Bender just being Homer with an antenna
• The funniest joke in the episode: Bender reveals he's there to kill Homer. He opens his chest, and many weapons pop out (including, but not limited to: a boxing glove, two flamethrowers, a gun, and various sharp instruments). Homer says, "Ah! A boxing glove!" This had me laughing out loud. Bravo!
• "Crossovers are hell" graffiti a nice touch
• A great reference to Fry's puppy (can't remember the name) from "Jurassic Bark"
• Moustache-less Scruffy looks very strange
• Also a Canyonero reference. "11 miles per gallon"
• Bart's birthday is February 23?
• There was a funny joke about Bart and Butterfingers
• Finally, at the very end, Kang and Kodos visit Omicron Persei 8. Seeing them interact with Lrrr and Ndnd was interesting. Not super funny, but still cool

That's all she wrote folks. Thanks for reading! Hopefully this one wasn't too bad. Check back pretty soon (with any luck) for the review of the next episode of the season. *thumbs up*

TOP & BOTTOM: "Stillborn" Metal Songs

Very, very sad

 

   I'm a metal-head at heart. Even though I don't listen to all the bone-crushing, blood-curdling, abortion-making (maybe?) death metal music that I used to, and I've mellowed out a bit in my old years (I'm 57*), I still appreciate the heavy stuff.
    A few weeks ago, I was listening to the album The Arrival by the band Hypocrisy. First of all, great melo-death album. Go check it out. But, there's a song on there called, "Stillborn". This got me thinking: boy, there sure are lots of metal songs named "Stillborn". Even as I thought that, I couldn't name a single one. Still, I knew it might be something to investigate. I ended up going to metal-archives, where they have a very nice search feature. Simply put, I searched for songs entitled, "Stillborn". As I had figured, there was a good amount. Somewhere around 45. However, I had only ever heard two of them before. Why the hell did I think there were so many, when I had only heard two?
    [author's side note: I was going to do a similar list to metal songs with the word, "requiem", but the results came up 1,729 entries...]
    However I got the idea in my head, I decided I would listen to them all and rank them. However, I ran into a problem. I couldn't find about twenty of the songs. I listened to a majority of these on Grooveshark or Youtube. Some of these, however, I just COULDN'T find to save my life. [hey, another author's note: I'm not doing the following sentence"] I'll include that list at the end. So, instead of ranking every one, I decided to turn this into a "Top & Bottom" post. So, here are the top seven and bottom seven metal songs entitled, "Stillborn". Enjoy this incredibly specific, niche list!
    Also, because I'm a slave to list cliches, I've rated these all on a popular 1-10 scale.
    [author's OTHER side note: a word to the squeamish: there might be a few gross-out death metal album covers. Nothing Cannibal Corpse level though]

TOP SEVEN:

7. The Shattering (from the album, The Shattering Begins)

Image obtained from technicaldeathmetal

    Out of the twenty-or-so songs I listened to, a decent amount of them were death metal. This was the only death metal song that really stuck out to me. The vocals start off screamed but they get guttural soon after. Unique, fresh-sounding death metal is so hard to find. I really appreciate good, heavy stuff I do find (even if the cover art sucks). Based solely on this song, I would buy this album. 8/10

6. Rise and Fall (from the album, Our Circle is Vicious)

Image obtained from crucialattack

    This almost seems more like an intro track than a full-on song. It's still pretty good anyway. The big drums really stand out, there's some nice, crunchy guitar, and even a bit of the ol' screamed vocals, to boot. If this song was even a minute longer, it would probably rank higher on my list. At least that album cover absolutely rocks. 8/10

5. Hanging Garden (from the album, Inherit the Eden)

Picture obtained from metalarchives

    Boy, what a depressing-sounding sound. This is easily the saddest song of all the twenty-whatever I listened to. It's also instrumental, which is great. It starts off slowly with light strings and piano. It picks up with heavier guitars towards the middle. This is a great song that really makes you think. Specifically, with its sad sound, and with it being titled, "Stillborn", it's maybe the only song that actually makes you think about a stillbirth, and how fucking horribly horrific it is. Ugh. Thanks for bringing down the room, band I've never heard of until now (I would also buy this album based on this song). 8/10.

4. Hypocrisy (from the album, The Arrival)

Picture obtained from metalarchives

    Hey, a song I've heard before! In fact, I own this album! Of course, I wrote the tiniest, crappiest description of it in my notes. The chorus is actually pretty catchy and it's pretty heavy overall. Not much more to add (apparently), but as I said above, this is a great album, and this is one of the better songs on it. 8/10

3. Black Label Society (from the album, The Blessed Hellride)

Picture obtained from wikipedia

    This was the only other "Stillborn" song I could think of off the top of my head. I generally am not a huge BLS fan. I like a few songs here and there (I will say, I would buy their album 1919 Eternal, which I've heard most of in the past, and remember thinking it was pretty good). However, this song kicks a huge amount of ass. It's got sludgy riff goodness and a super catchy chorus. Even with Ozzy singing in it, he amazingly doesn't detract. Great, great song. Just swell! 8.5/10

2. xDiscipleX A.D. (from the EP, Lantern)

Picture obtained from lastfm

    These guys are straight-edge Christian apparently. Not my normal cup of tea. Too bad this song is amazing. I was blown away when I listened to it. It wasn't even on the original "Stillborn" list that I found on the Metal Archives site. I found this by searching "Stillborn" on Grooveshark. This is a very short (a few seconds shy of two minutes) sludgy rock song. Mostly screamed vocals, but they sound great. I have a love/hate relationship with the screamed vocals. Overall this is a surprising song, but ALMOST my favorite of all I listened to. 9/10

1. Deville (from the album, Come Heavy Sleep)

Picture obtained from heavypsychsoundrecords

    Wow! The above song blew me away, but this song B L E E E W me away. I've never heard of these guys, but I would unequivocally buy the shit out of this album based on this song. It's a stoner rock ditty with sludgy guitars and clean-sung vocals. Great, catchy chorus as well. If anyone out there is a fan of stoner rock and hasn't listened to these guys, I would give them a shot. Start with this song, because if nothing else, this song kicks some major ass. Easily the best song I listened to for this little list. 9/10




    Aah, some great music up there. Well, that was fun. Now, let's dredge through the drudgeries of the bottom seven "Stillborn" metal songs (as a note, 7 is the least worst, and 1 is definitely the worst of them all).

BOTTOM SEVEN:

7. Masterstroke (from the album, As Days Grow Darker)

picture obtained from metalarchives

    This is pretty standard new age power metal, kind of like Dragonforce (ugh, yuck). That's what I was reminded of at least. I honestly wasn't expecting the high pitched vocals. It's not awful, but it really doesn't grab me. It's wholly un-memorable. Eh. Definitely passable. 6/10

6. Ingested (from the album, Surpassing the Boundaries of Human Suffering)

picture obtained from metalarchives

    This is pretty damn heavy (can't you tell from the ultra-death metal cover?), which I like, but the vocals are so deep and fake-sounding that it really takes away from any goodness the song might bring. Not much to say. It's decent, I guess. I appreciate the heaviness, but it's hardly special. 5.5/10

5. Autopsy (from the album, Severed Survival)

picture obtained from metalarchives

    Eh, just decent. Slower death metal (which I generally don't like much). It's got crappy vocals and unremarkable music. This is quite forgettable, and just falls into the undulating mass of crawling flesh that is death metal. Not horrible, but, just...eh. 5/10

4. Fatal Array (from the album, Fatal Array)

Picture obtained from metalarchives

    This is pretty standard thrash metal. Apparently this was the only album released by these guys ("but look at the cover!" you might be saying?). I kind of see why. The music actually kicks ass, which is promising, but the high-pitched vocals really turn me off. Basically standard crappy thrash singing. It's almost like Flotsam and Jetsam-lite. 4/10

3. Spineshank (from the album, Self-Destructive Pattern)

Picture obtained from wikipedia

    This is a band I used to like, back in my nu-metal days (keep your hissing to a minimum, please). I guess they differentiated themselves somewhat because they had some industrial sounds. Either way, this is that super-whiny crap that I think gives good nu-metal (yeah, it does exist) a bad name. 13-year old me would probably rate this at least a 7, 27-year old me will give it a very generous 4/10 (mainly because of the industrial stuff. Don't get it twisted, this song sucks)

2. Maroon (from the album, Antagonist)

Picture obtained from spirit-of-metal

    This song kind of sucks. Kind of really sucks. It's like a hardcore punk screamo kind of deal. That sort of music really just doesn't do anything for me. So maybe people that like this kind music will think it's good, but I certainly do not. Oh well, music is decent at least. 3/10

1. Burning Witch (from the album, Crippled Lucifer)

Picture obtained from metalarchives

    Ugh. This song was EASILY the worst of the songs I listened to. For anyone's curiosity, I listened to 22 songs. And this one was the shittiest. It's typical drone doom. I can usually stomach drone, actually. But this was snooze-inducing. I understand drone is supposed to be very long, drawn-out, sparse, and nihilistic, but this is just boring. It reminds me a bit of Khanate (except, you know, Khanate is good), especially the screamed vocals. There's also non-screamed vocals. I really disliked these. I think that's all I can say. Good job Burning Witch, you've crafted the worst "Stillborn" song (that I listened to). 3/10

FULL DISCLOSURE:

    Here is where I'm going to list the songs that I didn't make either "top" or "bottom" list. I was going to list the songs I couldn't find to listen to, but what does that really matter? This is more informative. Even though I did discover some great songs/bands (Deville, xDisciplex A.D, and Hanging Garden come to mind) for this, most were all boring, bland death metal. That was the main problem with most of the bottom seven: they weren't bad, per say, but boy, they were very unoriginal, unforgettable, and they didn't do anything new or different. So, before I list the rest of the songs that didn't make the cut(s), what have we learned here? I would say, the whole lesson is, songs that are titled "Stillborn" are more-likely than not to be run-of-the-mill death metal. Even though much of the bottom seven aren't death metal, just know that a large majority I listened to that didn't make these lists were death metal. Thanks for reading, and hopefully you'll be back next time for another exciting installment of "Top & Bottom".

• Defaced Creation
• Malevolent Creation (this just missed the "bottom" list. It was ranked #15 [what would have been #8])
• Nexilva
• Polluted Inheritance
• Sleep (this just missed the "top" list. It was ranked #8)
• Crimson Falls
• Nattas
• The Scarr

 

Simpsons Season 26 Review: Opposites-A-Frack

"Our water was on FIRE!"

"Opposites-A-Frack"

    Wow. This episode was good. Like, really good. Not "golden era" (not even close, really). But for a recent Simpsons episode, it kind of kicked ass. The story was interesting and (semi) unique for the show; their were some good jokes and quotes; and the whole beginning, in which Patty & Selma try to stop smoking, was FABULOUS.
    [author's note: It seems as if there is no couch gag for this episode. Very weird...]

    The basic story goes a little something like this: Patty and Selma went to Paris and come home early. Since their apartment was still being treated for black mold, they stay with Marge and Homer. The only condition? They CAN'T smoke in the house. After some funny E-cigarette jokes, they end up smoking in the bathroom. But they cause an explosion, because the water is flammable and is actually on fire. This leads Lisa to realize that someone (who could it be?) is fracking in their neighborhood. Obviously it's Mr. Burns. When Lisa's favorite female assemblywoman comes to stop Mr. Burns, the two fall in love. Their affair-despite-their-starkly-opposing-viewpoints reminded me of Jack from 30 Rock and his various "hook-ups" with liberals. This episode, unlike a lot of newer ones, actually had a good balance of secondary characters. Patty and Selma aren't seen after the first six or seven minutes, and the whole time they are in the episode they are funny. Mr. Burns has more screen time, basically in the final 2/3 of the episode, but again, he's not overdone. Even Homer, who I find more and more annoying as the years go on (because the writers make him dumber and dumber and dumber, until he's basically at the point where he has the mental capacity of a bag of rotten carrots) was great in this episode. Overall, a great balance of character screen-time. Mr. Burns's squeeze was an older woman named Maxine. She's okay, but nothing really special or wholly memorable. 

Yuck

    The episode comes to a good conclusion, even though everything is back to status-quo (as so goes The Simpsons, though). The story is sort of far fetched, and the ending gets a little too crazy, but I wouldn't have been surprised to see this kind of story in one of the better seasons. Newer Simpsons tend to go crazy with ridiculous, nonsense, un-realistic stories, but this one I actually liked. There were several times throughout the episode too where I laughed out loud. Yup. I LOL'd. I don't do that much for newer Simpsons episodes. I can actually say that this was the funniest season 26 episode thus far. I HOPE it's a sign of things to come. I'm still dubious though, because overall the season has not been great. But you know what? I'm actually pretty pleased with it. My expectations were virtually nonexistent, so to find a few episodes (this one, the "Treehouse of Horror", and the Relationship one) that are good is shocking, and slightly life-affirming. 

    I don't think there is much else to say, except the "water was on fire" joke wears a bit thin by the end. So far, if I had to suggest one episode from season 26 for someone to watch, it would definitely be this one. I'd also like to say that I know I'm still six episodes (I think) behind of where they are in the season. I haven't watched one in a while, but I'm going to try my damnedest to get caught up in the next few weeks. Bare with me, folks! I have no qualms with giving this episode a...

7/10

    I have quite a list of bullet points. Let's do it to it (have I said that recently elsewhere in this blog?):

• The "hockey fight mirror" gag was pretty humorous
• I also enjoyed the black mold monster arm in Patty & Selma's apartment. It pulls two of the cleaners into some (I assume) hellish black mold void
• P & S's magically appearing cigarette gag was funny. Reminded me of classic Simpsons, actually
• The fracking site is disguised as the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame. Laughed out loud
• The montage of Homer going around to the townspeople, trying to sell the whole fracking thing, was great. He always has his leg propped up on something. Great gag
• The end, with Burns and Maxine sitting in bed, each looking at their own iPads, being boring, was quite enjoyable. More so than I would have though
• This episode starts off with a great quote. In fact it's the first thing said in the whole episode:
• HOMER: "Woo. Pork chops with gravy! Wait, but today's not pork chop Tuesday, or gravy Thursday!"
• PATTY (talking about E-cigarettes): "Sure, it's got the nicotine, but where's the tar? Where's the stab from every breath that reminds me I'm alive?"
• MOE: "Money is like a job you don't even have to do!"

    And that'll do it folks! I hope you enjoyed reading, because I enjoyed writing. I have my fingers crossed that these good episodes will continue. I do know that the next episode is also pretty decent! I'll try to have it up next week

Final Fantasy IV Advance Diary, Week 4

Just about halfway through this marvellous adventure

    I don't have a lead off picture. This was a big week, and I don't want to delay any longer!

DAY 11 (1/12/15. PLAYTIME: 7:34 TO 8:26)

 

    Went back to Troia with the recently acquired Earth Crystal. Cecil meets up with Kain to do the trade (if you forget: Rosa for the Earth Crystal). The party is taken to the Tower of Zot. After fighting through five floors of this area (filled with tough enemies with a proclivity to back attack), you come to a boss battle with the strange Magus Sisters. They are easily dispatched. You enter the room they were guarding, and here you hand over the Crystal to Golbez. And aah shucks! Golbez actually ISN'T going to trade Rosa for the Crystal. For some reason, everyone in the party is shocked by this. Haven't they ever played a video game before?
    In a fit of rage over this, Tellah enters into a(n) (automatic) battle against Golbez. He starts getting housed. As a last ditch effort, Tellah casts the mighty Meteor. Of course, since this is such a powerful spell, it kills him. But it does make Golbez run away. He does again pass up an opportunity to kill Cecil, it must be noted. Hmm...
    Tellah, in his dying breath, tells the party to avenge his daughter's death. Well, duh, Tellah. At this point, Golbez has to answer for more than just his daughter.
    After Golbez escapes, Kain comes to his senses. He had been under Golbez's control, but him being injured by Meteor broke the spell. They then rescue Rosa in the nick of time, and both Kain and Rosa join your party! Of course, there's no time to celebrate, because the third Elemental Wizard attacks! It's the buxom Lord of Wind, Barbariccia.
    After this battle (another pretty easy one), they escape the Tower as it crumbles around them. They make it back to Baron, where Kain tells them that even though Golbez has the four Crystals, those are only the Light Crystals. There are also four Dark Crystals hidden in the Underworld. Apparently, with the eight Crystals, a pathway to the moon (!)(?) opens. Who doesn't want to go to the moon?
    The last thing I have to say for this day is that Kain gives us a Magma Stone, which will open the way to the Underworld. Now, to find this Underworld...

• I'm sad to see Tellah go...
• ...but STOKED to get Rosa back. FINALLY a character with a substantial amount of MP (200+), so I don't always have to worry about running low
• Speaking of MP, here's a little grip of mine: during the "battle" with Golbez, Tellah uses Bio, Firaga, Blizzaga, AND Meteor. Meteor alone costs 99 MP to cast. Tellah only had 90-something MP to begin with, so how in the hell did he cast so much magic that he would have needed close to 200 MP? I HATE when RPGs do this kind of stuff. Breaking their own rules to advance the plot. Bah humbug!
• The Tower of Zot was TOUGH. I used most of my potions, hi-potions, and ethers. Tellah and Cecil both had 0 MP before I found a save point.

BOSS:

MAGUS SISTERS

Why do they look like Disney characters?

    This is a very easy battle. The sisters really just use Reflect and a variety of second-tier magic (Thundara, etc.). I had Cecil, Yang, and Cid attack the first sister (Mindy). Tellah healed or used magic on Sandy (the tall one in the back). At one point, Mindy & Cindy (the fat one in the middle) both had Reflect on them, so Tellah was pretty useless besides attacking Sandy. After I took Mindy down, I focused on Cindy. I used the same strategy: just pound with physical attacks. They revived Mindy, but Cindy fell soon after. I killed Sandy, and focused everything on Mindy then (which makes sense, since she was the last one left). It got a little hairy at the end because Tellah was confused and Yang was mini'd. Cid had something on him as well (not sure what. Paralyze or Stop or Hold or whatever the hell it's called) that made him unable to move. But Cecil just whaled on Mindy until she died anyway. Easy peasy.




BARBERICCIA

Yowza! Hatchie matchie!

    This battle, unlike the other two Elemental Wizard battles, was very easy. Cecil and Cid attacked; Kain used Jump (great ability!); Yang used Double; Rosa healed/buffed. That's all there is to it. The four physical attackers are so damn powerful that she goes down pretty easily after not much fighting. I honestly don't remember any attacks she has.

---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 12 (1/13/15. PLAYTIME: 8:27 TO 9:18)

 

    Flew around a little bit until I found the small town of Agart. There's a well here that is very deep. So deep, in fact, that no one even knows how deep it is. You can throw the Magma Stone in. Once you do that, a large mountain right next to Agart explodes, exposing a large hole. You can fly the Airship right down into that sumbitch. Do you know where it brings you?
    The Underworld, dummy! You arrive to see the Red Wings, in their airships, locked in a battle against tanks. Your airship crashes near the Dwarf Castle. The king inside, his named Giott, informs you that he is the king of the Underworld. He also informs you that Golbez already has two Dark Crystals. God, that guy gets around awfully quickly.
    You enter the Crystal room here to defend it from Golbez. You immediately fight a bizarre doll boss. Once it's defeated, Golbez appears (SHOCKING!). You fight him, but he wipes out everyone (save Cecil) easily. Golbez summons a Shadow Dragon, and it looks like it's the end of the line for Cecil and his pals.
    Well, is it?
    NO!
    Right before the Dragon can do damage, someone else (off screen) summons a Mist Dragon (it looks identical to the very first boss of the game). But who could it be? Who could have swept in and saved the day? Who has the power to summon?
    It's Rydia! She's back! She revives Cecil, and the two of them fight Golbez. After defeating him (!!), his arm (?) still manages to crawl away with the Crystal anyway. Oi fucking vey, amiright?
    After this, they all decided to let Golbez steal the final Crystal (hell, he'd do it anyway, even if we tried to intervene) and then meet him at the Tower of Babel to steal them all back. Seems a little reckless, but what the hell! That's where I saved.

• The Underworld, perhaps not too surprisingly, looks like hell. Lots of lava
• VERY HAPPY to have Rydia back. Besides the fact that she has some badass new summons (Ifrit, Ramuh, Shiva, Titan, and Dragon), and besides the other fact that she's not a little kid anymore (something about being with Leviathan in the Land of the Summoners), she has a SHITLOAD of MP! Now I have TWO characters with loads of MP (one with white magic, one with black)
• I REALLY like the makeup of my party. Not a single weak character

BOSS:

 

CALCABRINA

Oooh dolls. How scary! *ultra hard scoff*

    This battle starts as one against six dolls. Three are Calcas and three are Brinas. I attacked them normally: Cecil attacked, Kain Jumped, Yang Doubled, and Rosa healed. After I destroyed three of these dolls, they form into a large, creepy-as-hell looking monstrosity, called Calcabrina:

Ignore that "8". Poorly timed photo on my part

    I just walloped this boss until I couldn't wallop anymore. I used all my strongest stuff (as per usual. See above). She does some attack that (I believe) confuses a party member. This I healed with Rosa's Esuna immediately. Calcabrina went down easily for me.



GOLBEZ

The man himself

    At the beginning (before Rydia appears), he uses very strong magic and kills everyone but Cecil. After Rydia joins, I had her summon Ifrit and Ramuh, and Cecil attack (and heal when needed). Golbez went down pretty easily (Cecil's sword was doing 1000+ damage per hit). I didn't bother reviving the other three. Oh well!

---------------------------------------------------------

DAY 13 (1/14/15. PLAYTIME: 9:19 TO 10:06)

 

I started in the Tower of Babel (which is where I saved the day before. I don't think I was clear about that above). I climbed to the top, and there I found a bizarre doctor. He was helping someone named Rubicante into a warping device. After a short exchange, you fight the good doctor. He fights first with a large robot-Frankenstein-kind of thing named Barnabas (of course it is). If you destroy the robot, the doctor jumps into the destroyed remains of it, and he calls himself Barnabas-Z.
    After you defeat this boss, the doctor isn't done! When are they ever? You fight him again, but once the battle starts he turns into some robot-monster thing. Beat him, and you receive his key.
    This key opens a previously locked door. This is the cannon room. You see, the cannons are set to destroy the Dwarf Castle. Once inside the control room, you fight some stupid ass goblins. Before they die, they destroy the controls so the cannons can't be turned off. Desperate, Yang stays behind and urges everyone else out. I'm not sure exactly what he does, but he dies doing it. I guess he's disabling the cannon controls...or something? Who knows. He's dead (I assume). That sucks.
    You rush out of the Tower, but as you leave, Golbez (I think) destroys the bridge you are crossing. Luckily, Cid, back from trying to fix up his ship, flies to save you. Unfortunately, he's got Red Wings on his tail, and he can't shake them. Handing the controls to Cecil, Cid decides to grab a bomb and jump out of the airship. Apparently, this bomb will seal up the opening you made earlier with the Magma Stone. So he jumps and explodes a bomb. And dies. Yup, two awesome, not to mention powerful characters are killed off, within mere minutes of each other. Why do so many characters sacrifice themselves in this game? At my count, I think it's four!
    Cid, before he stupidly killed himself, instructs you to go to Baron. Cid's guys attach a hook to the airship, so now it can pick up the hovercraft (remember that thing?). Somebody mentions something about the town of Eblan. So, looks like that’s where I’m headed. I wonder what will await me there…

• I really can’t believe I lost both Yang and Cid. They were so damn strong. Remember when I just mentioned that I feel I have a very strong party? Yeah. Well, I still do (no weak characters), but they definitely took a blow
• I’ve had a string of pretty-easy boss battles. I’m just waiting for a very tough one
• Actually, the dungeons are usually harder than the boss battles at the end. 

BOSS:

 

 DOCTOR AND BARNABAS

Is he wearing boxing gloves?

    Again, this battle is pretty easy. It starts off with the oddly-named Barnabas attacking the doctor (which is fairly amusing). I focused everything on Barnabas, and had my heavy hitters do their thing (attack, Jump, Double. You know the drill). Rosa was in her normal support role, and I had Rydia use Thunder magic (both Thundara and Ramuh). After some damage, Barnabas was destroyed. I then focused the attacks on the doctor. He didn't take much before he decided to jump into the ruined remains of his dumb robot. The result? Barnabas-Z:

At this point, why not?

    This part of the battle is more of the same. I think all these boss battles have been so easy because everyone in the party is pretty beefy and strong. I like beefy and strong. Anyway, once you attack this clown enough, he'll "die".
    Because every boss in this game can't just die, he's still alive.


DR. LUGAE

Dr. Wily's long lost brother?

    He starts the battle like this, but I don't even think you can attack him before he...transforms(?) into this:

He couldn't transform into something more menacing?

    This battle is a tiny bit tougher than the previous one. He can use a Sleeping Gas attack to put someone to sleep (although it only actually seems to work about 1-out-of-4 tries), which is the most annoying part of the battle. Otherwise he can only poison (which is not used as much as Sleep) and use a Flamethrower attack which, to my characters, did very little damage. He will occasionally use an attack called Panacea, which...heals MY entire party of all the negative status effects he uses. Not sure why he would do this, but it's pretty helpful. But at any rate, attack with Cecil, Cid, and Yang as usual. Rosa has her hands full with healing and using Esuna/antidotes. Rydia is still slamming away with Thunder magic. This battle is pretty easy.



    There you have it! My week in Final Fantasy IV Advance was quite an eventful one. Before I close this diary entry, I'd like to provide my (very) brief thoughts on the game so far. According to my friend Max who's played through the game, and a few online walkthroughs (used only to reference my position in the game), I'm about at the halfway point. I wanna do a quick "cons/pros" list like I do with my normal B-LOG SLAYING posts. Here goes:

CONS:

• By far the most irritating thing is the rate in which you encounter random battles. It gets very old very quickly. 
• Another thing I find mildly annoying is that, at least in the first quarter of the game, whenever you get new party members, they are all severely under-levelled. Sometimes 10+ levels below where everyone else is. It doesn't take too long for them to catch up, but they are vulnerable for a bit

PROS:

• The graphics are great. They look colorful and vibrant on my Gameboy Advance SP screen
• The story, while starting to lose a little steam, is very good. I'm intrigued at where it could be headed, and I like Golbez as a villain, even though he's not the most fleshed-out guy
• The gameplay is fantastic. Yes, there are a lot of random encounters, but it doesn't get in the way of enjoying the game. The turn-based mechanics are spot on. And hey, ever played a recent Final Fantasy game? Notice that Active Time Battle? It's introduced here!

Okay, THAT'S everything. I think I will do a very neutered B-LOG when I finish this game. The meat of the game (and the bosses) will be here in these diary entries. Finally, here's my character progress at the roughly-halfway point: 

I love Gil

    According to one walkthrough I used to reference for something (after the fact, I assure you. I will openly admit, as I already have, when I need to look something up), that the suggested level for the Tower of Babel was 34. So that would mean I'm a little under-levelled, but I'm getting on just fine.
    Thanks all for reading, and check next week for another whizz-bang installment of my diary!