"Vs." Episodes of The Simpsons, RANKED

This'll re-put Brockway back back on the map!

    As I was doing research for a different Simpsons list (which may or may not end up on this here blog), I realized something: there are an AWFUL lot of episodes that are titled, "something VS something". Twelve of them, as a matter of fact. Over the last several weeks, I've watched and ranked all these episodes. For your enjoyment, please enjoy this awesome list of Simpsons episodes that feature "vs" in their title. Boy, there sure is a lot of conflicts in this show!

[note: they are ranked 1-12, and I've rated each one on a popular 1-10 scale. You know the score: 1 is shit, 10 is orgasmically awesome]

12. "Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays" (season 15)

 

"Why am I in this episode?" (may not be an actualy quote)

    Boy, this episode sucks. The storyline, which focuses on the town adopting an anti-children stance because of a riot at a children's concert, is weak and bizarre. The laughs are few and far between, and the entire Roofi (the child performer) concert segment has to be one of the worst segments in Simpsons history. This one can definitely be skipped. I'm giving it a low 3/10. Here are some notes!

• I find pig Latin a fascinatingly strange sounding "language"
• The "devil tobacco lobbyist" bit was kinda funny. 
• Homer misprinting the bumper stickers to read, "Yes No 242" is a good gag, and I distinctly remember laughing my ass off at it when I first watched it in 2004
• "Ladies and gentlemen, let's kill every child...friendly thing in town!" - Lindsay Naegle at town meeting
• "This concert is oversold! It's as if a music promoter acted unscrupulously!" - Marge
• As Bart and Lisa wrestle over the remote to the TV, they flip through several channels. Hank Hill from the TV: "Bobby, I got propane in my urethra."

11. "Homer vs. Dignity" (season 12)

 

Pre-panda rape

    This episode is a slight step above the Marge episode. The storyline isn't great, there aren't many laughs (besides the Smithers Broadway bit, which had me laughing out loud. It probably gets a full point just for that), and it's really just an episode that seems to be trying much too hard to be funny. I'll give this one 5/10. Now, for bullets!

• The episode starts with the family celebrating "Bart's first 'A'". I don't mean to be a joke killer here, but there's no way this is Bart's first 'A'. Don't they care at all about continuity?
• In fact, the entire restaurant segment is weak
• Carl's word-of-the-day calendar, however? Decidedly unweak. I love him thinking "conquer" is "concur" 
• My favorite joke in the whole episode: Mr. Burns makes a remark that Smithers wouldn't know the meaning of the word, "gay" (in the ol timey, "happy" sense). It then immediately cuts to Smithers doing his Malibu Stacy play on Broadway. God I LOVE this joke
• So, Homer is raped by a Panda? That's pretty gross and South Park-y
• "Come on Edna, don't be tardy!" - Skinner
• "Whoa whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?" - Burns. I always thought this quote was much funnier when I first saw this episode
• "Ah, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!" - Lenny
• "Yes, whether you're Christian or just non-Jewish, everybody loves Santa Claus." - Kent Brockman

10. "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" (season 2)

 

I choose this picture because I thought Kent Brockman looks WEIRD AS HELL here

 

    This is the earliest episode on the list. While I enjoy the second season of the show, they hadn't quite hit their golden stride yet. The animation (and voices) was still a little rough, and while the stories were good, the laughs weren't as plentiful. This is a pretty standard season two episode. The story goes as follows (for the zero of you who haven't seen it): Lisa works really hard on a Thanksgiving centerpiece; Bart ruins it because he's an asshole kid; everyone hates him for awhile; he runs away; everyone is concerned; he comes back; he and Lisa make up and have a touching moment. The story is pretty good, and there are a few laughs, but it's nothing that great. Probably on the lower end of the season two spectrum. I give it a 5/10

• Bizarre focus on Maggie during the beginning of the episode
• Homer's favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Yuck
• Bart says, "bitchin'" in this episode. I find this sort of amazing, for a cartoon that aired in November of 1990
• Maggie "talks" in this episode

9. "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" (season 6)

 

I've always liked this guy's face

    This is an episode I've never cared for that much, even though it's smack-dab in the middle of the "golden era". As I have discussed elsewhere on this blog (I think), I'm not a big fan of episodes centering around Grampa Simpson. I love his character (especially his nonsensical, rambling stories), and he can be very, very funny. Episodes that center around him, though, are generally not my favorite. I like the B-story, of all the kids trying to figure out where the adults went, much better. It's silly, but it's got some laughs. I would call this episode "weak". It's got some touching moments at the end, but not enough of the funny throughout. We'll give this bad boy a 6/10. Here are some observed thoughts:

• I love Abe continually talking about/just saying "sex" in his old man voice.
• Homer's re-appearing instant beard
• Grampa Simpson (to Homer): "Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!"
• [unfortunately, I wrote my notes on actual paper, and the little girl my wife babysits threw up on that paper, so these are the only things I could salvage. I had at least one more thought written down, but I don't know what they are :( ]

8. "Homer vs. Patty and Selma" (season 6)

 

Funny, unless you really think about it

    This was an episode that I didn't remember much from before I re-watched it. There's probably a reason for that. Even though that, like the above episode, this is a season six episode, it's kind of forgettable. There's nothing wrong with the episode, just nothing amazing. The story is good, but it relies too heavily on the presence of Patty and Selma (more side characters that couldn't carry their own episodes). Oh yeah, the Bart in the ballet B-story results in absolutely zero laughs. There's a few good lines (as there is in about 98% of all Simpsons episodes), but I'm overall pretty surprised at how un-funny this one is. 6/10.

• I like Homer's dream about his mysterious invention
• Homer's meeting with the bank loan guy is great too
• After Homer asked P & S for money, the conversation ends with those two laughing maniacally. Homer, too dumb to realize the context of their laughing, just starts laughing hysterically. I LOVE this bit. Homer laughing uncontrollably = comedy gold (usually)
• Love the TV turning on and off on its own
• Of course, this episode has Mel Brooks!
• Homer: "...and who can forget dear Ratboy"
• Homer: "No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected World's Greatest Sex Machine" (probably my favorite from this episode)
• Homer (talking to Mel Brooks): "I loved that movie, Young Frankenstein. Scared the hell out of me!"

7. "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment" (season 2)

 

Good ol' Devil

    This season two episode I think is way better than the Thanksgiving one. This has a great story, is decently funny, and has some good quotes. I find this episode much more memorable than the previous two I've listed. I would go back to this one as a better season two episode than most. Not a whole lot to write here, besides this one gets a solid 7/10 (it's nice to see Homer do the right thing at the end), so let's just jump right into these black dots:

• I love the biblical intro. Some very funny lines
• The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out cracks me up every time. Maybe one of my favorite Simpsons things ever
• Also, the tagline for that boxing match is, "This time, it's for money." I LOVE THIS SO VERY MUCH
• Cashier: "I need a price check on two grapes." (a line I still use occasionally)

6. "Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade" (season 14)

 

 

This had me laughing out loud for at least thirty seconds

    I hadn't watched this episode in a while. When I sat down to re-watch it, I was expecting it to be crappy, as I find a lot of season 14 is. I was very pleasantly surprised to find that it's actually a pretty hilarious episode. I mean, I ranked it sixth out of twelve. That's pretty decent. While the story of Bart and Lisa fighting then making up is an old one that has been told in better episodes (and in other episodes in general. See entry #10), it's still got some nice emotion towards the end. And again, it's genuinely very funny. Let's give it a 7/10 and dive right in!

• Satellite installers give Homer a time frame of installation. The time frame is between "now and June". They come in September
• Japanese Friends!
• Maybe the first Futurama character cameo (Bender, during Bart's hallucination)
• I like Homer watching "School Span" and seeing the assembly. Funny stuff
• Bart's acronyms for remembering stuff for tests are pretty funny: Dogs Eat Barf Solely On Wednesday Maybel
• I didn't write them down, but the names of the kids in Bart and Lisa's new class are pretty funny
• Field Trip Memorial
• Bart: "Oh Lord, please strike these mountain folk dead."
• McConnell (Bart/Lisa's new teacher): "Sobbing only pushes Bart's grade higher."
• Homer: "If I wanted reality I'd have this lump looked at."
• McConnell: "Now children, if you look up at the capital dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the pot bellied sparrow, eating our state pasta, bowtie." (I laughed out loud at this. Grade A ridiculousness)

5. "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" (season 9)

 

Basically how I imagine Mad Magazine to be run

    I used to hold this episode in very high regard. I remember it being hilarious. I've watched it countless times. This most recent watch-through, I decided this episode is not as funny as I remembered it being. Maybe I just watched it too many times. It still has some great bits, and the story, while zany, is great. The quotes are nothing stellar, however I will say Marge's "Broadway" quote cracks me up. Solid episode, not great. Also, it's a little strange to watch something with the old twin towers. Although the tower jokes are funny. 7/10

• How can you not LOVE the car that Homer builds himself?
• That overhead shot of Homer, sticking by his car, using a stick to try and reach the pizza place. Priceless
• I love the "Kickin' It!" musical
• Homer: "Look everyone! I'm Peter Pants-less". This isn't an amazing quote, but this is the first time my wife had ever laughed at The Simpsons. She's not a fan
• Marge: "The bus station is just ONE of the sights we came to see." 
• Marge: "You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience."

4. "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment" (season 8)

 

Not my picture. Courtesy of TVtropes (because I forgot to take one!)

[note: forgot to take a picture for this episode, like a damn bonehead. So I grabbed this one from TVtropes!]   
    This is a pretty funny episode. I love the story a lot. Especially the beginning Saint Patrick's Day bit. I love taking alcohol away from Homer. Usually results in great stuff. Of course, what makes this episode so great is one time character Rex Banner (I actually don't know if he's been used since. I haven't seen many episodes between seasons 18-25. But, considering the way the episode ends, probably not). He's got that old timey 1920's charm (the way he talks, dresses, etc). A website I frequent (and really, really enjoy) has a list of the 11 best one-off Simpsons characters, and Banner is number three on it (read the whole list here. Seriously guys, his website 11 Points, is great and you should all check it out. Especially Simpsons fans). Not that he's number one on that list, but I really wanted to give a shout-out to that site. Anyway, great story, funny bits, and a great one-time character. 8/10 easy.

• Dr. Hibbert's wife's name is Bernice. 
• How many bathtubs can the Simpsons fit in their damn basement? They have at least 15. That's a HUGE basement
• Flinging Rex Banner out of the town with a catapult is a great, crazy touch
• I personally think the "alcohol" quote that Homer delivers at the end is a touch overrated. It's funny, but it's not even the best quote in the episode. 
• Lisa: "No one's pinching his legs!"
• Kent Brockman: " 'What are YOU looking at?' The innocent words of a drunken ten year old."
• Rex Banner (to unidentified officer): "Take that badge out of your mouth!" (I love how stupid the cop looks with the badge in his mouth)

3. "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy" (season 5)

(heart)

    Here’s where it REALLY gets good. These final three episodes are some of my favorites of all time (in fact, number one I’m pretty sure IS my favorite of all time). This episode is incredibly fantastic for numerous reasons: the story is great (and it has good, still-relevant commentary on both the toy collecting craze, and sexism), Stacy is a fantastic one-time (I believe one-time) character, there is a huge amount of laughs, hilarious B-story with Grampa getting a job, and overall this episode just whales it out of the park. If nothing else, it has the classic scene where Smithers boots up his computer, and a (seemingly) naked Mr. Burns pops up, with the infamous, “Hello, Smithers. You’re quite good at turning me on”. And Smithers’s hilarious response to Lisa: “Um…you probably should ignore that.” God, a true classic. Anyway, this one is an easy 9/10. Please enjoy these bullet points!

•  Maaaaatlock!
• I really love all of Grampa Simpson’s antics in this episode. Maybe the best Grampa episode ever?
•  As I mentioned, Smithers’s start-up screen for his computer. So good I’m listing it twice
• Krusty’s doll-line reading is an underrated hilarious bit for the episode
•  Customer: “Damn sandwich took a bite out of me!”

2. "Bart vs. Australia" (season 6)

The knifey-spooney championship

    This one is a step up from “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”. This one is laugh-out-loud funny, and the jokes come a mile-a-minute. Of course, this one has one of my favorite silly Simpsons bits of all time (which one could it be? Check the bullet list for full info!). The story is zany, silly, and fairly unrealistic (even for The Simpsons), but it doesn’t feel forced and unfunny like the “out there” storylines of later seasons. Everything about this episode is perfect. I don’t have a single complaint about this masterpiece. Without further adieu, here’s some stuff! (oh yeah, this one is a 9.5/10)

• I LOVE how long international numbers are. This always cracks me up
• Speaking of LOVING crazy jokes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Hitler joke. It’s one of those crazy, nonsensical jokes that the writers just throw in. These are some of my favorite jokes of “golden era” Simpsons
• I really enjoy the depiction of Australian people
• What is one of my favorite silly Simpsons bits of all time? Well, it’s not the Hitler joke. What could it be? Hhmm…
• …it’s the knifey-spooney gag! Kills me every time. Top five Simpsons gag of all time
• Hey, pobody’s nerfect in Australia
• I also really enjoy Marge trying to order a coffee at the pub.
• Conover: “Disparaging the boot is a boot-able offense.”
• Clerk (talking about bullfrogs): “What? That’s an odd name. I’d have called them ‘chazz-wuzzers’.”
• Australian guy: “900 dollary-doo’s?!”

1. 1. "Marge vs. the Monorail" (season 4)

More of that zaniness I love so much

    Well, we knew it would come to this. This is easily the number one episode of The Simpsons that features something versing something else in the title. Despite my undying love of The Simpsons, I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about my absolute favorite episode of all time. I’m pretty sure it’s this one. It might be the easy pick, but come on, this episode is the definition of comedy perfection! There’s nonsense (the giant magnifying glass, escalator to nowhere, etc); there’s a good guest star making fun of himself (Leonard Nimoy. I love how he just disappears, a la Star Trek, at the end of the episode); there’s a great, ridiculous story (monorail being installed in Springield); there’s an amazing musical number (“The ring came off my pudding can/take my pen knife my good man!”); there’s like hundreds of great quotes (“Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards”) ; there’s nice sight gags (conjoined twins getting split apart by the anchor); what else? Jeesh, the list goes on and on. Since I can’t say anything else that probably hasn’t been said already, let’s just take a look at this stuff I wrote down on a (now vomit-soaked) piece of paper. Oh, the arbitrary rating? 10/10 obvi!

• I like the, “eat who I eat” line quite a bit
• Krusty has a son with some random woman? Seems perfectly in line with his sleazy character
• Lureen Lumpkin is briefly in this one. She sounds like lunchlady Doris. Lureen Lumpkin may be my LEAST favorite Simpsons character of all time. In fact, “Colonol Homer” is pronbably in my top ten least favorite episodes
• Homer (referencing a large family of possums): "I call the big one Bitey"
• Carl (talking to Lenny about what exactly the plant does with their old toxic waste): “Either way, I’m sleeping good tonight!” (Lenny and Carl high five)
• Unfortunately, this was another page that I lost some of my notes on due to vomit. I'm pretty bummed about this. That's the lesson kids: don't ever write anything down, EVER. ALWAYS use your phone to take notes for your blog
• But, you've all seen the episode. You love it. Just go watch it, straightaway!
  
  
  
  
  
  

  There you have it! The idea of making very specific Simpsons-themed lists appeals to me greatly, so expect more in the future. I may have a few ideas. Anyway, thanks for reading!

  
  

  
  

  
  

Simpsons Season 26 Review: Treehouse of Horror XXV

Marvin Monroe approves

"Treehouse of Horror XXV"

    Here we have it: another year, another Halloween special. I'm gonna say it right off the bat: this is a pretty good episode. Generally, even in the Simpsons' crappiest seasons, you can usually rely on the Halloween episodes to at least be semi-entertaining. This year is no exception. I will say, I only enjoyed two of the three segments. Maybe I'm just dumb, but the Clockwork Orange parody really left me cold and annoyed. I'll get into more detail below, but I'd call it one of the worst ToH segments I've ever seen. Yikes.
    The episode begins like the beginning of any number of late night talk shows. There's an announcer rattling off lists of celebrities that would appear in this year's installment, while clips of the past 24 iterations of the Halloween episodes scroll past. At the end, all the dead bodies of the celebrities mentioned spell out, "Treehouse of Horror". Meh, it's a decent opening. Unlike the other couch gags so far, it's okay that this one is long. It isn't as long as the absurd (and awesome) couch gag from "Clown in the Dumps", and it doesn't overstay its welcome. At least you get to see brief glimpses of great former episodes.
    For this episode, I'll give short rundowns of the three segments here. Let's "get-r-dun" (still relevant?)

School Is Hell

 

Love these demons!

    Bart and Lisa get pulled into Hell, where they attend the school there. As you would imagine, Bart excels. Eventually, he has to torture (which is part of the curriculum) Homer, who is fully supportive of the idea (since Bart is finally doing good at school). The story is decent, although I'm pretty tired of the novelty of Bart doing well in school (no matter where it may be). However, this is a great segment for something that I generally don't look for in a Simpsons episode: the look. All the demons, the monsters, the school itself, the various Hell versions of normal Springfield denizens, it's all awesome. The school really looks like how you might imagine Hell looking. Even for a cartoon, there's some fairly disturbing imagery and disgusting stuff. I could call some of it horrific even. This episode has a few laughs, and a decent story, but I would say this segment is worth watching just for the imagery. This segment gets a 6/10 from me! A few quick notes:

• One of Bart's Hell courses: "Keeping the Yankees in first place". 
• Homer: "Bart, you went to Hell and came back a winner, like Jesus."

A Clockwork Yellow

 

Not the best picture, but this segment doesn't deserve a good pic!

 

     This is a parody of A Clockwork Orange. I haven't seen the movie, so perhaps some of these jokes are lost on me. I don't even feel confident giving a summary. But, let's try anyway: Moe, Lenny, Carl, and Homer are a band of delinquents. Moe drops out, and sometime later (months or years, I don't remember. Or care), gets beat up by a new band of delinquents. So Moe gets the old band back together (so to speak), and they do...something? I don't remember. I really, really disliked this segment. I thought it was dull, boring, unfunny, and annoying. I don't think the accents are great either. This one just bugs me. I'll give it a very generous 3/10 (mainly because of one joke which I really enjoyed. See below).

• Homer brings Marge back to his pad. Marge thinks they are gonna have sex, but it turns out to be a montage of Homer doing literally everything else but sexing up Marge. She sits bored on the bed. It's kinda funny
• The iPhone perspective bit, towards the end, is my favorite joke of the episode. Pretty funny.

 

 

The Others

 

   The Simpsons family is being hassled by ghosts! Oh no! It turns out it's their Tracey Ullman era selves. God, I LOVE the meta-ness of this episode. All the regular Simpsons members end up killing themselves so they can be ghosts along with the Ullman-Simpsons. The story is pretty good overall, and this is just a damn hoot. The funniest of the three segments. But that doesn't even matter! The Simpsons meeting their old 1987 Tracey Ullman selves (even the voices match up pretty good with those very first Simpsons characters) is too good. This one definitely gets an easy 8/10. Let's check it out:

• The Married-with-Children-on-every-channel gag was pretty funny
• Marvin Monroe cameo! How fucking awesome
• The end, with the different variations of the Simpsons family (Adventure Time Simpsons, Japanese manga Simpsons, Lego Simpsons, etc) is great
• Overall just really fun, and I love all the callbacks
• Tracey Ullman Homer: "What kind of afterlife is this? Can't even strangle my dead kid!"

    That's it folks. This was a pretty good episode. It's not big on the laughs (most come during that final segment), but the Hell-imagery and monsters of the first segment, and the meta-ness and laughs of the final segment, make this a great entry into the ongoing Treehouse of Horror anthology. That Clockwork Orange segment notwithstanding, this was a solid episode. So, all even numbered episodes are gonna be good? Is that is? Doesn't make me look forward to the next one, episode five! This episode overall receives from me the almighty rating of:

6/10

    If that second segment could have been even mediocre, I'd have no qualms with giving this one a strong 8/10. Sorry this one took so long to be written. There just are not enough hours in the damn day. Anyway, thanks for reading, and expect the next one up soon!

Shane Remembers... (12/12/2014)

 Enjoy some scary lame-ness!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

NIGHTMARE CREATURES (PS1)

    This was another game that my dad bought completely at random one day. This may have been the first violent game I ever really played. I think we even had this before Resident Evil. I enjoyed (and still enjoy, although it's certainly shown its age) this game quite a bit: it was full of great monsters (zombies (which come in TWO different colored jeans!), werewolves, big hulking Hulk-like brutes, uuh, other scary creatures. Straight from your nightmares!), had a cool Gothic look, you could choose between two characters, and it had some neat weapons. I played it recently (about three years ago), and holy potatoes, is it hard! Maybe it's just because I'm rusty, but I had a hell of time with level two. The controls are crappy, and it's tough to dodge incoming enemy attacks. What other game can you play as a character named Ignatius?

Picture courtesy of somewhereinthemidstofnowhere

ONE (PS1)

    Hey, yet ANOTHER game from my youth that my dad bought totally blind. This is an action game where you shoot bullets from your gun arm (I think. If I remember correctly?). The more damage you do to your enemies, the stronger your gun gets (I think. If I remember correctly?). It's a very arcade-y game. It's also hard as balls. I think it only has five or six levels, and I don't think as a kid I ever got past level two maybe (I think. If I remember correctly?). Decently fun run-and-gun kind of game. Pretty unknown for the PS1, but if you can find a copy, grab it. I'm pretty sure it is super duper, ultra luper cheap.

Picture courtesy of giantbomb

FAMILY FEUD (SNES)

    This one might seem like a wicked stupid entry to put here, but I disagree. Let me tell you why: firstly, it's a game I played as a child (err, teen I guess); secondly, this game is hella fun; thirdly, it's pretty damn funny. Okay, it's very lame to play a game based on a lame game show. But it's got Ray Combs as the host (or a pretty reasonable facsimile)! Anyway, I'm really rambling. I occasionally throw this game in for some good clean fun. It's like the gameshow, where it asks a question that was polled to 100 Americans, and you are supposed to provide the most logical answers. Typing answers with the SNES controller is great fun (read: NOT FUN AT ALL). Also, your answers better be EXACT! Example: if the correct answer is "house", "home" will not suffice. Also, if the answer is "cat", "cats" will not suffice. Even though, I think it's got a pretty large reserve of questions, and it is legitimately fun (if you're playing with another real person) to try and guess the right answers. And no matter what answer you give, your digitized family (you can choose from five or six preset families. I will say, there's some nice diversity. I also think one of the families has George Bush in it) will always yell, "good answer!" This can lead to high comedy. Finally, the fast money round at the end (I don't remember what it's called) is the most fun, as it is on the show. So, in summary: lame gameshow + Super Nintendo = sort of fun game (?).

Picture courtesy of gamefaqs

NFL QUARTERBACK CLUB (SNES)

    Speaking of lame-ass SNES games, here's a football game. Probably the first sports game I ever had. I distinctly remember getting this for my birthday. I played it a decent amount, but I was never a huge fan. I don't remember if this had a season mode. It may have. It had the players' names, which was nice. The big hook was its spotlight on the QB position. It told you the starting QB for all the teams (circa 1994-or-so). There was only one that mattered: Drew Bledsoe! 'Ol cement-shoes himself. The graphics were not great, and I always thought the colors, specifically, were pretty crappy. Generally, I would never go back and play old sports games. Probably the only genre where I DON'T want to play the older iterations (ESPN NFL 2K5 notwithstanding). I still have this game, and VERY occasionally take it out to play with friends. It's a hit at parties!

Picture courtesy of wikipedia

THRASHER: SKATE & DESTROY (PS1)

    Aaah, skateboarding games. This was another demo disc game that I played a lot. I only played the actual game once I think (a rental). The skateboarding couldn't hold a candle (in my adolescent opinion) to Tony Hawk though. But, you were skateboarding in illegal areas, I think. I don't remember exactly how the game went, but you could be apprehended by a cop with a tazer (amazing that it's not a machine gun. Oops, sorry. I try to keep topical issues outta this blog). I think it even switched to the cop's POV when he got close. But that's not why this game is here. Nope, this game is here because of the most amazing thing that was ever implemented in video games: ragdoll physics! You can just crash and laugh your ass off at your horribly mangled body. Just crashing or falling in general was awesome. Boy, does that stuff look very painful. Why did we ever want to skateboard? Jeesh!


    Sorry if this entry isn't as strong as last week's. I feel that was the real high-point for this half-baked blog post idea. I also find it funny that in a weekly post called, "Shane Remembers...", the phrase I use the most is, "I don't remember..." (or some variation of that). Thanks for reading anyway!

Final Fantasy IV Advance Diary, Week 1

Only real men keep running diaries of RPGs they play

In all its handheld glory!

    I'll provide some brief back story here, but I really wanna keep these entries fast moving, punchy, and just not as verbose and rambling as many of my other posts. As you may or may not know, I've never played Final Fantasy IV (known as Final Fantasy II on the SNES. But you knew that) before. It's considered a classic of the RPG genre, and most people will say it's just a step below the god-like VI (also haven't played). Here's where I'm gonna run into flaming troll hate: Final Fantasy VII was the first FF I ever played. Hell, the first one I ever even heard of. I know, I know. It doesn't hold a candle to VI. Sephiroth is no Kefka. It's wildly overrated. Blah-de-fucking-blah. It was an amazing game for the time (still damn fun now), and while I had some familiarity with turn-based RPGs (Breath of Fire being the first one I had ever played), I wasn't in love with them, and FFVII changed that for me. Maybe it's not the best game in the franchise, and I'm willing to allow that, but it holds a very special place in my heart. Not to mention my dad and I obsessed over it when we got it. Some of the best memories I have.
    Enough of that mushy shit. After VII, we played VIII. Great, but not quite as good. I remember feeling let down with VIII. Then IX came out. Then X. I assume you guys know how to count up from seven? The point is, going forward, I played all the games that came out. I never reached back to the past to play the older ones. That stops right here.
    Now, traditionally, when I beat a game, I do a "B-LOG SLAYING" write-up. Generally, these are long, and they can take me days to write them. Imagine me, keeping pages upon pages of detailed notes about this game, only to write a 10,000 word post on after I beat it? Not to mention, that post would take me a full week, or longer, to really bang out. That sounds very un-fun to me. I've figured out a great way to circumvent that rigmarole: just do weekly "diary" entries! I generally play on my lunch break, for anywhere between 45 minute and an hour. Once I finish my daily play session, I make some notes, and that's that. So probably every Thursday, I'll upload those notes here. I'll try to include story progress, general thoughts, cons/pros, and I'll still go over the bosses. I haven't decided if this is completely in lieu of a "B-LOG SLAYING", or if I'll compile a much shorter one afterwards, from my various diary notes. I'll probably do that.
    So, venerable readers, follow me through the amazing world of Final Fantasy IV!
    [Note I'm also going to include the date of each day, and even how long I played during that day!]

DAY 1 (12/8/14. PLAYTIME: 0:00 TO 0:57)

 

    Today I got through the intro, and got to play a bit. Right off the bat, I like the story: a once-noble king is suddenly murdering (annihilating is a better word) innocent people, all to procure mystical crystals. In fact, you start the game by murdering some innocent people. He even dupes the main character (Cecil is his name. God, great name) into killing an entire village of people (save one little girl). Pretty fucked up, really. I'm very interested to see where the story is going to go. Overall, I greatly enjoyed my first hour with the game. This game session probably had the least amount of time of me actually playing the game, because it sets up story, and there's lots of dialogue to get through. Here are some additional thoughts I had for my first hour (all of a sudden, I'm in love with bullet lists):

• The graphics are great. They look spectacular on my Gameboy Advance SP. Compared to screenshots of the original, definitely an improvement
• Cecil is fucking fast. When you're running through dungeons/towns, he moves like he has no time to fuck around. I personally love this. 
• There are lots of random encounters. I'm okay with this, as I sort of expected it. It can get tedious, but it can be overlooked
• Finally, at the very end of my session, I got access to the Chocobo summon. It's pretty cool

BOSS:

Mist Dragon:

Very misty indeed

    This is the first boss of the game, and as such, he's a piece of cake. My strategy was to just whale on him with both Cecil and Kain (god I love these names). He will occasionally turn to mist, and during this time, it would be a bad idea to attack him. If you do, he will unleash a decently powerful attack in response. Otherwise his normal attack is laughable weak. So, when he's mist, just defend or heal as needed. Nothing to worry about here.

I just thought this guy looked ridiculous. Look at those teeth

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DAY 2 (12/9/14. PLAY TIME: 0:58 TO 1:40)

    I spent my entire almost hour just running through an underground waterway. Right at the end of yesterday's session, I rescued a little girl named Rydia (the one from the village. I may or may not have inadvertently murdered her mother. Whoopsy...). At any rate, even though she's a little girl, she kicks ass. She's a summoner who can also use black and white magic. Unfortunately, I believe she's level one when you get her. It's easy enough to level her though. Also, at the beginning of this cave, I found an old sage named Tellah. He's an old man with big glasses and crazy white hair. I love his look. He also uses black and white magic, but he's much stronger than Rydia (considering he's level 20 when you find him, makes sense). They can be very strong using their magic, but their MP gets depleted pretty quickly. And with few ethers, it kind of puts me in a crappy spot. Do I use their magic and wreck everyone, or not use it, conserve it, and essentially have them be useless in combat? I do a little of both. Once I get the chance, I will need to keep a health amount of ethers on hand. A few miscellaneous though:

• This session wasn't nearly as story intensive as yesterday. It was almost all just running though this dumb cave. 
• Still LOTS of random encounters. Breath of Fire level!
• I like the animation on all the magic so far

BOSS: 

    Actually, no bosses today. I know I'm very close to one, though. And, according to the characters, he's got eight tentacles to boot!

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DAY 3 (12/10/14. PLAY TIME: 1:41 TO 2:27)

    Okay, big day today. It was the exact opposite of yesterday, really. In less than an hour, I fought two bosses and saw an entire castle full of people get massacred. Lots of story going on, so let's go over it: I started from the undergound cave and almost immediately fought the boss here: the octomammoth. I killed him easily enough and made my way to Damcyan, which appears to just be a castle. Even though it looks like a town from the world map, all you can go into is a castle. The king and his Red Wings (some specialized military unit, of which Cecil used to be a part) bomb the castle and steal another crystal. You get to witness the destruction. Tellah's daughter, Anna, is killed. She was there with her boyfriend/fiancee Edward, who happens to be a prince. Tellah disapproved of his daughter running away with a bard (they didn't know he was a prince). Tellah leaves in a rage, to find the new leader of the Red Wings. He leaves your party. But don't worry, because Prince Edward joins! He sucks. Hugely. Where Rydia and Tellah had magic/summons, he has...a harp? He doesn't have magic, persay, but he can "sing" during battle, which I believe deals a random status effect to an enemy. He can also "heal", which heals everyone in the party, which is nice. Too bad it's only for 14-16 HP. When Cecil has 300+, this is not at all helpful. Finally, he can "hide". Yup, he runs off the screen. I assume he can't be attacked during this. He also can't do anything else. He's completley worthless so far. 
    Anyway, after this happens, you go (on a hovercraft!) and find the antlion cave. It holds the sand ruby, which you need to cure your good friend (girlfriend?) Rosa of desert fever. You get to the end, kill a goofy-looking antlion, get the sand ruby, and leave the cave. That's where I shut it off. Phew! This session had lots of fighting and lots of story. Overall, it was great. While I didn't get much insight into what the hell the deal with the king is, there's a possible new foil in Golbez, who is the new leader of the Red Wings. Hopefully the next session is as intense as this one. So, notes, shall we?

• kind of disappointing that there are two cave-type dungeons in a row. They are aestethically basically exactly the same. At least the antlion cave is short
• As I said, Edward sucks. What a garbage character
• So far, it's been more of the same: random encounter heaped onto random encounter. Still very enjoyable though

BOSS:

Octomammoth:

Look at this psychotic bastard!

    He's pretty easy, even though he kind of looks intimidating. It seems magic doesn't hurt him (mine only did one damage), but summons, and espeically physical attacks, do. In fact, Cecil's physical attacks were much more powerful than normal. At any rate, Tellah is relegated to a healer/buffer in this battle. My strategy was to whale on him with Cecil, have Rydia summon Chocobo, and have Tellah heal or use blink when necessary (I believe blink makes it harder for enemies to hit you. This is great to use for Rydia and Tellah, because Octo here does decent damage to them. When blink is active, he usually misses). With this strategy, I was able to fairly easily overcome this many-armed goofball. 




Antlion: 

Speaking of goofballs...

    He looks less like a menacing foe and more like someone swiped the rest of his drugs, and he's not handling it well. But, he's also pretty easy. You no longer have Tellah, so his strong black magic (or even his white magic if you wanna use it) is gone. No matter though. I used a similar strategy to Octomammoth: physical attacks with Cecil, Chocobo with Rydia, and basically just let Edward sit, useless as a sack of trash. I ended up using his "heal", because while it sucks for Cecil, Edward has so little HP that 16 is a decent amount for him (even for Rydia, although she's right on the cusp of not benefiting from it anymore). That's all I did until he was dead. Again, pretty simple. I love his look though. I mean, just look at that bastard!





    Okay, folks, that's all for this week! In general, I'd like to get 3-5 sessions in a week. This week was only three. I plan on blogging hard next week, so it might be a little light. Don't worry, I'll be playing almost every day anyway, so the blog posts won't be far behind! Thanks for reading, and hopefully you enjoyed this little slice into Final Fantasy IV Advance.